I've been thinking for a few weeks about writing again. But, every time I think about writing, I think about how I don't have anything to share. Not that anyone wants to read anyway.
And then, I remember that there are people out there, like me. There are people who struggle with my struggles and face what I face.
I'm a teacher. Remember?
There's this weird connotation that in Education today, you can't talk about anything that's not positive. You can't talk negatively about your job, you can't talk negatively about your life, your can't talk negatively about things that happen. No Negative. Ignore the negative. Get it out. Only positive.
But, you know what. I'm calling bullshit on that.
Why?
Because there IS negative. And without negative, we wouldn't know what positive was. We wouldn't know that positive felt better. We wouldn't know how to express positive. Negative happens and it happens with reason.
Sometimes, you just CAN'T ignore it.
I truly, 100% believe that you can talk about the negative without "complaining", because sometimes you just need to talk about it. And even if it still sounds like complaining, sometimes, that talk is where you realize what you need to do to make that negative a positive, or make that negative appear to be minimal.
The negative is STILL important.
Holy Shit. I just had a revelation as I was typing that. It just came to me. But, I've been trying to get that out for 4 weeks.
So here's the real talk:
4 weeks ago, I became more upset, more stressed, more frustrated, more belittled than I ever have in my life. My character was badly misjudged and I was used negatively as an example in the workplace. I felt shattered, and torn. I still haven't been able to quite pick myself up. I have a wonderful support system, but until about 5 days ago, I still couldn't talk about it without crying. Sometimes even sobbing.
I have never in my life wanted to do anything besides teach. Ever.
It's not a secret that the past 2 years of my teaching career have been challenging.
But the past 4 weeks have resulted in me seriously doubting myself as a teacher.
I have wondered if there is any other job out there that I can find that I can enjoy.
Because I fear that I will never be able to move on... and away. I fear that my reputation will be tarnished falsely. I fear that maybe it's not meant to be, for me. Or maybe I'm just not good enough. Maybe I can't do it.
Do you know how shitty that is?
To feel this way?
It's tearing me up.
Most people don't know what they want to do with their lives when they go to college.
Most people change their minds at least once, change their majors. Move on.
Hell, some people don't even go to college.
They find jobs, maybe careers, and it just becomes part of who they are.
Not me.
I've always know that teaching was it for me.
Always.
I guess that makes me lucky.
But, I don't feel lucky.
Because questioning that eternal feeling is the worst feeling in the world. Questioning my belief that I was put on this Earth to be a teacher makes me feel useless, worthless, stupid, and just in existence.
I have the best support system in the world. My co-workers are great. My family is the best. But, I can't shake this horrible feeling I have about my career.
That is weighing me down.
It is tearing me apart.
4 weeks ago, I went to Sky Zone to shake off my bad work day.
I bruised my heel bone.
It's still not normal.
I've tried walking. I've tried running. (That was the worst Idea ever).
I made it through walking. But, was horribly sore for 2 days after that.
After sitting for awhile, my foot becomes stiff and I can barely stand, let alone walk.
Not being able to workout in any way is also killing me.
I signed up for a new Diet Bet. When I weighed in for it, I wanted to die.
I really hadn't gained as much weight as I thought.
But, It wasn't where I wanted to be.
I'm not able to participate in my spring activity up north at that weight. That wasn't the weight I wanted when I go to Florida for spring break.
But...
It's still less than it was when I started.
It's still less than it was last year.
It's what it is.
I couldn't change it to something I wanted to see.
Eating healthy is hard.
It's even more hard when you're an emotional eater.
It's even more hard than that when you're an emotional eater who is riding an emotional roller coaster.
It's even more hard than that when you're an emotional eater who is riding a GIANT emotional roller coaster and not sleeping.
Some days are better than others.
Most nights suck.
But, I'm trying.
I'm still alive.
I'm still trying.
My stress level is abnormally high.
My emotions are ridiculous.
I'm trying.
I'm trying hard.
I'm trying.
My spring break clothes still fit me.
I tried them on.
And you know what?
The people I'm going to Florida with for Spring Break love me.
They love me as I am.
They love me for who I am.
They don't care that I'm fat.
They don't care.
So, why do I?
A co-worker told me today that my smile lights up her world when she sees me. She told me that she showed my picture to her husband and he commented on my eyes and my smile.
She also asked if I had lost any weight.
The question I've been waiting to hear since January.
Ugh.
At a time when I feel so shitty about this journey.
She told me she could tell and that I looked happier and she loves me thinks I'm beautiful.
So you know what?
Who the fuck cares that I'm not losing weight as fast as other people who diet?
Who the hell cares that I can't post a transformation picture after 2 months of eating grass?
I can't.
I can't just stop drinking pop and lose 20 pounds.
I can't lose 10 pounds doing a 2 week cleanse.
I can't.
My body doesn't let me.
But who cares? Just me? Right?
It is SO frustrating to hear about other people's success and to see other people get attention and praise for their weight loss achievements?
But you know what? Those people have NO idea how hard it is.
They have NO idea what it's like to do what I'm doing with what I have.
They don't.
So my satisfaction has to come from my own happiness.
It has to.
So...
I'm going to go on Spring Break. I'm going to go to the Beach. I'm going to take pictures. I'm going to enjoy myself.
Because this is the life I live. This is who I am.
There's always room for improvement. But this is a journey.
Someday, I'll get there. But I'm not going to miss the happiness right in front of me waiting for that day.
I'll keep fighting.
I'll keep working hard.
I'll keep trying.
But I'm not dwelling any longer.
I can't.
Now, if anyone has any tips on how to meet my compliance for the CPAP machine, that would be great. I can't get past the claustrophobia no matter how hard I try.
It's crunch time though. I only have until April 22.
I want to sleep.
So bad.
Help me sleep.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Picking up the pieces
My last post was pretty depressing. It wasn't very upbeat. It wasn't very positive. It wasn't very... Me.
But, that pretty much describes my February.
February sucked.
I didn't lose weight.
I was sick.
I got injured.
I fell into some major slumps.
But, the upside... the good news..
It's not February anymore.
If I'm being honest, after things started falling apart in February, I stopped eating good. I stopped exercising regularly. It was just an all around fail.
I have been planning this post for a few weeks.
I wrote last time about how I lost some weight when I was sick. I was frustrated because I gained all of it back.
When I step back to reality though, I realize that I didn't gain anything serious back. I got sick. It's normal to gain weight back when you lose it unhealthily. I'm okay.
I put on a pair of pants a few weeks ago after weighing myself and expected them to be tight.
But, you know what?
They were more lose than when I put them on the time before.
That was a turning point for me.
I realized that even though I had gained that weight back, I hadn't regressed.
I was still working hard, and my body was still changing.
This is a hard concept. Especially because I have so much weight to lose, and it's so frustrating when the littlest of setbacks can feel so defeating.
This might sound weird but I looked at myself the other day after I got out of the tanning bed, and I realized that I'm making changes. I'm not making changes as fast as others, but I'm getting there.
I have really been in the dumps. I have a very stressful job in a very unfortunate place. I do not have support, and I am not surrounded by anything positive. I am looked down upon. I am not appreciated. I feel attacked, and I feel worthless most days. I feel like I picked the wrong career at least once a week.
I've been struggling to pick myself back up after having my spirits torn apart by people who should be building me up and supporting me.
But, I'm ready.
I haven't weighed myself in at least 2 weeks probably. I have no desire to.
Maybe I will on Sunday?
Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.
I just want to get myself back into the swing of things without the pressure.
Speaking of pressure.
I was finally able to get the pressure lowered on my CPAP machine so I am hoping that means sleep is in my future.
I"m not done.
I'm a work in progress.
One years change.
I'm getting there.
Slowly
But, I'll get there.
But, that pretty much describes my February.
February sucked.
I didn't lose weight.
I was sick.
I got injured.
I fell into some major slumps.
But, the upside... the good news..
It's not February anymore.
If I'm being honest, after things started falling apart in February, I stopped eating good. I stopped exercising regularly. It was just an all around fail.
I have been planning this post for a few weeks.
I wrote last time about how I lost some weight when I was sick. I was frustrated because I gained all of it back.
When I step back to reality though, I realize that I didn't gain anything serious back. I got sick. It's normal to gain weight back when you lose it unhealthily. I'm okay.
I put on a pair of pants a few weeks ago after weighing myself and expected them to be tight.
But, you know what?
They were more lose than when I put them on the time before.
That was a turning point for me.
I realized that even though I had gained that weight back, I hadn't regressed.
I was still working hard, and my body was still changing.
This is a hard concept. Especially because I have so much weight to lose, and it's so frustrating when the littlest of setbacks can feel so defeating.
This might sound weird but I looked at myself the other day after I got out of the tanning bed, and I realized that I'm making changes. I'm not making changes as fast as others, but I'm getting there.
I have really been in the dumps. I have a very stressful job in a very unfortunate place. I do not have support, and I am not surrounded by anything positive. I am looked down upon. I am not appreciated. I feel attacked, and I feel worthless most days. I feel like I picked the wrong career at least once a week.
I've been struggling to pick myself back up after having my spirits torn apart by people who should be building me up and supporting me.
But, I'm ready.
I haven't weighed myself in at least 2 weeks probably. I have no desire to.
Maybe I will on Sunday?
Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.
I just want to get myself back into the swing of things without the pressure.
Speaking of pressure.
I was finally able to get the pressure lowered on my CPAP machine so I am hoping that means sleep is in my future.
I"m not done.
I'm a work in progress.
One years change.
I'm getting there.
Slowly
But, I'll get there.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
I'm frustrated
Let me first state a few disclaimers...
I don't want to write this post, but something is pulling me towards it...
I don't want to continue this blog... what's the point? But, something is pulling me towards it....
I don't want to continue writing about negative things and pissy problems...
But, that's my life... and isn't this supposed to be about my life?
** BIGGEST DISCLAIMER**
This blog is for me, about me, for me, about me, for me.
It is not about any one person or persons in my life. My point of writing anything in this blog is FOR me. It's about ME.
Please please please please for the love of all that is holy, do NOT think that I am writing about anyone in my life specifically, EVER, or that I am trying to discredit anything that anyone else does.
This is about my perceptions, my issues, my thoughts, my struggles.
ONLY.
Dear God, please don't think otherwise.
I am a strong believer in the ideal that your own perception of yourself leads to your perceptions from others around you. If you feel shitty about yourself, then other people will help feed that shitty feeling. It's not necessarily that they are making you feel shitty, it's just that you're carrying that aura, and it doesn't matter what they do or say, you're going to continue to feel shitty.
I am also a strong believer in the idea that sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do or say. You can be the biggest supporter, strongest strength, and most positive outlook, but if someone isn't ready to hear the things you're trying to say, they won't hear them.
That's a hard concept to understand, to comprehend, and to remember....
But that's not why I'm writing tonight.
I'm writing because, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated as hell.
So, this post is strictly about my frustrations..
Maybe the reason I need to write this post, is because someday, if I ever get there, I'm going to need to look back on these frustrations and feel humbled by them. Hell if I know. But, maybe.
1. I'm frustrated with people who have normal jobs. People who can work their hours at their workplace, and leave work on time, get paid hourly for the work they do, and then go home and live their lives.
I am SO stressed out at work, about work, for work, regarding work. I work 12 hour days, and get paid for 8. I am constantly, 100% of my time thinking about at least 55 different children all day long. I pray for them, I worry for them, I think of them, I cry for them, I just think of them. They are always on my mind. Always. Every single kid I have ever touched. All day long. That's so emotionally draining.
I leave work late, I miss family events, I have ZERO friends, I can't date. What do I have to offer someone? All I do is work. Because, when I do get home, finally from work, I sit down and do more work, or think about work, or talk about work.
It controls my life.
How do I, as a newer teacher, find that balance?
I don't know...
It's frustrating.
Why can't I leave for lunch? Why can't I even have time to eat lunch? Why can't I take a sick day when I'm feeling like death? Why can't I take a vacation day on a Friday? Why can't I check social media, catch up with my friends, and meet people for lunch?
It's frustrating to me that other people take those things for granted.
I LOVE my career. I love teaching. I love kids. It is what I am most passionate about in this world. I cannot imagine living a life any different. But, I do need to find a balance. I do need to not let it control my life, and I do wish that I could have a normal job sometimes.
2. I am frustrated with people who just don't eat.
How do people function without food? How do they just go all day without eating? Why is it okay for them to go without food, and lose weight and stay the same weight, and still be able to function? If I could, I would starve myself, too. Gosh, doesn't that sound easy. I don't need to eat, I have enough fat on me. But, my body doesn't function. I don't have energy needed to function without food. I get lightheaded and dizzy. It's a good thing. I guess, I would rather be full of overall health, anyway. But, it's frustrating.
3. I am frustrated that I can't sleep.
I'm not sleeping. In fact, some nights, it's worse than it's ever been. My sleep apnea is taking a toll on my body that it hasn't taken before. I find myself almost falling asleep during the day. I find myself wanting to sleep all the time. I find myself ready for bed at 6:00 PM. I find myself not wanting to do anything social (not that I ever get asked anyway, because I have no friends and no life), because I'm just too tired.
This is not my choice. This is not be staying up late because I'm a night owl. This is not me staying up late to do work, or watch tv, or play games, or drink, or hang out with people. This is my body not being able to sleep.
I can't keep my mask on. I can't meet compliance. I can't sleep. I can't move with the mask on which is stressing me out. I can't use the $56 pillow that I bought. What the hell is the point of that thing anyway? Seriously. I need to make pillows and charge $60 for them. People would buy them.
I just want to sleep.
I want to sleep like a normal person.
I want to have my memory back.
I want to have my energy back.
I want to be able to function all day long.
I want to be happy again.
4. I am frustrated that no one knows.
I have lost over 30 pounds. (Well, kind of.. see next frustration) ...
I have worked my ass off. A lot harder than the average person due to the world working against me.
I saw my aunt and cousin over the weekend. It wasn't planned. Ran into them on my solo vacation.
I haven't seen either of them since Christmas. At Christmas, I was in a bad state of mind. I was frustrated because I wasn't losing weight, and I had a bad attitude. I've lost almost 22 pounds since they saw me at Christmas.
They didn't notice.
No one can tell.
It's not doing anything for me.
I know that I am losing weight for myself. It's for me. I know that. But, it's frustrating that no one can tell. It's frustrating that I can't get one compliment. EVER.
5. I am frustrated that my body sucks.
I lost almost 8 pounds when I got the flu. I have gained every singly pound back. Every. Single. Pound. Almost over night. And that's not an exaggeration. As soon as I put any kind of food into my body, I gained it all right back. I can't lose a single pound since then. Since getting sick.
I am exhausted. I am emotionally drained. I tried to give my body rest time without working out, and I waited. I've gotten my steps, I've taken the stairs, I've walked more, I'm worked out, I've tracked my food intake. Still gaining it all back again.
Again.
Here I go again.
This weekend, I consumed a lot of bad food, and a lot of beer. I deserved it. I needed a break. I needed a vacation. I needed some time with me. Away. In a different place. So, I gave myself that. I didn't eat all day long. But, I didn't eat great, and I didn't track my food. And I drank a lot of beer.
I knew it would be bad. But, I did not expect to see the number on the scale that I saw when I stepped on it yesterday morning.
My body fucking sucks.
So, yesterday, I drank a meal replacement shake for breakfast, Chicken Noodle Soup for lunch, and subway for dinner. I worked out after work, even though I had a horrible headache and was tired. I drank water all day. I even drank a herbal cleanse fiber drink.
What did it do for me?
I was constipated instead of cleaned out.
I gained another 2.2 pounds over night.
My body fucking sucks.
So, what did I do today?
I ate McDonald's for breakfast, Girl Scout Cookies for lunch, and Pizza for dinner. I ate candy from the store, and a whole ton of junk, and birthday cake to top it off.
I said Fuck it.
If I'm going to keep gaining weight, I might as well enjoy food along the way.
Was that the right thing to do? Probably not.
But
I am SO frustrated.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know the answers.
All I do know is that it's not fair.
It's not fair that other people can lose weight easily. It's not fair that other people can lose weight and get compliments. It's not fair that other people don't have the stresses of their jobs that I do. It's not fair that my body responds so differently than the "norm".
It's not fair.
It fucking sucks.
But...
It is what it is.
I have to find a way to work my way back ...
I can't give up like I have done every other damn time.
I can't.
I can't vision anything for myself except being fat.
I can't envision a life any different.
It's not happening for me like it is for other people.
6. I am frustrated that I've reached this point.
I can't explain this to people. I don't say these things to get a pitty party. I say these things because they are true and honest. They are what's happening.
And I don't know what to do.
I don't.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be feel this way.
But I do.
Please don't tell me to keep trying.
Please don't tell me that it will get better.
Please don't tell me that I need to work harder.
Please don't.
Don't judge me because you can starve yourself and lose 5 pounds.
Don't judge me because you can go for a run and maintain your weight.
Don't judge me because you can spend your weekends drinking and not have to worry about it.
Don't judge me because you don't have any idea what it's like to be in my body.
I am just so mad. So sad. So frustrated.
I won't be winning my diet bet for February. I don't even have the energy to pack a lunch as we speak. I don't know what to do. I'm just frustrated.
Anyone have tips for this stupid CPAP mask?
Anyone take anything to help them fall asleep at night?
I'm frustrated.
I don't want to write this post, but something is pulling me towards it...
I don't want to continue this blog... what's the point? But, something is pulling me towards it....
I don't want to continue writing about negative things and pissy problems...
But, that's my life... and isn't this supposed to be about my life?
** BIGGEST DISCLAIMER**
This blog is for me, about me, for me, about me, for me.
It is not about any one person or persons in my life. My point of writing anything in this blog is FOR me. It's about ME.
Please please please please for the love of all that is holy, do NOT think that I am writing about anyone in my life specifically, EVER, or that I am trying to discredit anything that anyone else does.
This is about my perceptions, my issues, my thoughts, my struggles.
ONLY.
Dear God, please don't think otherwise.
I am a strong believer in the ideal that your own perception of yourself leads to your perceptions from others around you. If you feel shitty about yourself, then other people will help feed that shitty feeling. It's not necessarily that they are making you feel shitty, it's just that you're carrying that aura, and it doesn't matter what they do or say, you're going to continue to feel shitty.
I am also a strong believer in the idea that sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do or say. You can be the biggest supporter, strongest strength, and most positive outlook, but if someone isn't ready to hear the things you're trying to say, they won't hear them.
That's a hard concept to understand, to comprehend, and to remember....
But that's not why I'm writing tonight.
I'm writing because, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated as hell.
So, this post is strictly about my frustrations..
Maybe the reason I need to write this post, is because someday, if I ever get there, I'm going to need to look back on these frustrations and feel humbled by them. Hell if I know. But, maybe.
1. I'm frustrated with people who have normal jobs. People who can work their hours at their workplace, and leave work on time, get paid hourly for the work they do, and then go home and live their lives.
I am SO stressed out at work, about work, for work, regarding work. I work 12 hour days, and get paid for 8. I am constantly, 100% of my time thinking about at least 55 different children all day long. I pray for them, I worry for them, I think of them, I cry for them, I just think of them. They are always on my mind. Always. Every single kid I have ever touched. All day long. That's so emotionally draining.
I leave work late, I miss family events, I have ZERO friends, I can't date. What do I have to offer someone? All I do is work. Because, when I do get home, finally from work, I sit down and do more work, or think about work, or talk about work.
It controls my life.
How do I, as a newer teacher, find that balance?
I don't know...
It's frustrating.
Why can't I leave for lunch? Why can't I even have time to eat lunch? Why can't I take a sick day when I'm feeling like death? Why can't I take a vacation day on a Friday? Why can't I check social media, catch up with my friends, and meet people for lunch?
It's frustrating to me that other people take those things for granted.
I LOVE my career. I love teaching. I love kids. It is what I am most passionate about in this world. I cannot imagine living a life any different. But, I do need to find a balance. I do need to not let it control my life, and I do wish that I could have a normal job sometimes.
2. I am frustrated with people who just don't eat.
How do people function without food? How do they just go all day without eating? Why is it okay for them to go without food, and lose weight and stay the same weight, and still be able to function? If I could, I would starve myself, too. Gosh, doesn't that sound easy. I don't need to eat, I have enough fat on me. But, my body doesn't function. I don't have energy needed to function without food. I get lightheaded and dizzy. It's a good thing. I guess, I would rather be full of overall health, anyway. But, it's frustrating.
3. I am frustrated that I can't sleep.
I'm not sleeping. In fact, some nights, it's worse than it's ever been. My sleep apnea is taking a toll on my body that it hasn't taken before. I find myself almost falling asleep during the day. I find myself wanting to sleep all the time. I find myself ready for bed at 6:00 PM. I find myself not wanting to do anything social (not that I ever get asked anyway, because I have no friends and no life), because I'm just too tired.
This is not my choice. This is not be staying up late because I'm a night owl. This is not me staying up late to do work, or watch tv, or play games, or drink, or hang out with people. This is my body not being able to sleep.
I can't keep my mask on. I can't meet compliance. I can't sleep. I can't move with the mask on which is stressing me out. I can't use the $56 pillow that I bought. What the hell is the point of that thing anyway? Seriously. I need to make pillows and charge $60 for them. People would buy them.
I just want to sleep.
I want to sleep like a normal person.
I want to have my memory back.
I want to have my energy back.
I want to be able to function all day long.
I want to be happy again.
4. I am frustrated that no one knows.
I have lost over 30 pounds. (Well, kind of.. see next frustration) ...
I have worked my ass off. A lot harder than the average person due to the world working against me.
I saw my aunt and cousin over the weekend. It wasn't planned. Ran into them on my solo vacation.
I haven't seen either of them since Christmas. At Christmas, I was in a bad state of mind. I was frustrated because I wasn't losing weight, and I had a bad attitude. I've lost almost 22 pounds since they saw me at Christmas.
They didn't notice.
No one can tell.
It's not doing anything for me.
I know that I am losing weight for myself. It's for me. I know that. But, it's frustrating that no one can tell. It's frustrating that I can't get one compliment. EVER.
5. I am frustrated that my body sucks.
I lost almost 8 pounds when I got the flu. I have gained every singly pound back. Every. Single. Pound. Almost over night. And that's not an exaggeration. As soon as I put any kind of food into my body, I gained it all right back. I can't lose a single pound since then. Since getting sick.
I am exhausted. I am emotionally drained. I tried to give my body rest time without working out, and I waited. I've gotten my steps, I've taken the stairs, I've walked more, I'm worked out, I've tracked my food intake. Still gaining it all back again.
Again.
Here I go again.
This weekend, I consumed a lot of bad food, and a lot of beer. I deserved it. I needed a break. I needed a vacation. I needed some time with me. Away. In a different place. So, I gave myself that. I didn't eat all day long. But, I didn't eat great, and I didn't track my food. And I drank a lot of beer.
I knew it would be bad. But, I did not expect to see the number on the scale that I saw when I stepped on it yesterday morning.
My body fucking sucks.
So, yesterday, I drank a meal replacement shake for breakfast, Chicken Noodle Soup for lunch, and subway for dinner. I worked out after work, even though I had a horrible headache and was tired. I drank water all day. I even drank a herbal cleanse fiber drink.
What did it do for me?
I was constipated instead of cleaned out.
I gained another 2.2 pounds over night.
My body fucking sucks.
So, what did I do today?
I ate McDonald's for breakfast, Girl Scout Cookies for lunch, and Pizza for dinner. I ate candy from the store, and a whole ton of junk, and birthday cake to top it off.
I said Fuck it.
If I'm going to keep gaining weight, I might as well enjoy food along the way.
Was that the right thing to do? Probably not.
But
I am SO frustrated.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know the answers.
All I do know is that it's not fair.
It's not fair that other people can lose weight easily. It's not fair that other people can lose weight and get compliments. It's not fair that other people don't have the stresses of their jobs that I do. It's not fair that my body responds so differently than the "norm".
It's not fair.
It fucking sucks.
But...
It is what it is.
I have to find a way to work my way back ...
I can't give up like I have done every other damn time.
I can't.
I can't vision anything for myself except being fat.
I can't envision a life any different.
It's not happening for me like it is for other people.
6. I am frustrated that I've reached this point.
I can't explain this to people. I don't say these things to get a pitty party. I say these things because they are true and honest. They are what's happening.
And I don't know what to do.
I don't.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be feel this way.
But I do.
Please don't tell me to keep trying.
Please don't tell me that it will get better.
Please don't tell me that I need to work harder.
Please don't.
Don't judge me because you can starve yourself and lose 5 pounds.
Don't judge me because you can go for a run and maintain your weight.
Don't judge me because you can spend your weekends drinking and not have to worry about it.
Don't judge me because you don't have any idea what it's like to be in my body.
I am just so mad. So sad. So frustrated.
I won't be winning my diet bet for February. I don't even have the energy to pack a lunch as we speak. I don't know what to do. I'm just frustrated.
Anyone have tips for this stupid CPAP mask?
Anyone take anything to help them fall asleep at night?
I'm frustrated.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Checking in
It's been a while since I've written a post.
There's a few reasons.
1. I feel like a failure, and have had a pretty rough time with this journey the past few weeks.
2. There's a reason that I don't usually talk about my daily struggles with others -
3. I have increasingly been discovering that I struggle to talk about my fears, frustrations, and struggles without other people being angry with me, or thinking that I'm arguing, being negative, or being rude. I never purposely would want someone to think those things about me. It's hard. If you don't actually experience the daily struggles that I do with this disease, I suppose it is truly impossible to completely understand. People try. My friends are great. My family is the best. They try. But, to be completely honest, I feel like the more I try to talk about my struggles, fears, and failures, the more people get frustrated with me and it turns into me feeling more frustrated. I don't try to argue with people when they say things like "It will get better." or "It's okay".
No. It's not okay, and No. It's not going to get better.
I don't say those things to be rude or disrespectful to your support. I say those things because it's simply not true. There is NO cure for PCOS. Some women find ways to help them cope differently than others. I am not there yet. But, there is no cure. There is nothing I can do that will make these things completely go away. I can't just starve myself for a day or a week, and lose some weight. I can't take some diet pills, or use some commercial program that offers pills, shakes, programs, etc.. It is not possible. My body does not respond. My body will not accept them. In fact, most of the time, those things make my weight control worse. Not better. I'm so happy that those things can work for others. I'm not knocking the people who use them at all.
My two best friends have lost weight in ways that work for them. One of them started by using a pill, and working out every day. One of them consistently uses Advocare. I have seen both of them make amazing changes in their lives. They are healthier, happier, and they were successful using whatever worked for them and their lives. They faced struggles, got back up again, and continued. Nothing is easy. It's all hard work. But, their programs worked for them.
I can't do either. My body won't let me.
So, when people say to me, "Just keep trying", I really just want to punch them in their fucking faces. Because, I have been trying. I am trying. I try EVERY DAMN DAY of my life. Every day is a struggle. Every day is a battle, and sometimes, I'm lucky enough to feel like I'm winning that battle, or doing something good, but a lot of the time still, I feel like I'm losing a battle, and continuing to fight uphill as it gets harder and harder to make any strides.
If you think that just because I'm struggling, and want to complain about my fucked up body to you, that that means I'm not trying, then please don't even bother.
Because, even if I indulge in a Reese's Peanut Butter cup that day, I'm still trying. I'm human. I need a healthy relationship with food. It's hard to have though, because a normal person can eat a candy bar, work out, and feel fine. I eat a candy bar, work out double, and gain 1.2 pounds over night. I'm not even joking, either.
Oh well. It is what it is. Right?
I hide these things from so many people in my life. I don't let them know what's really going on, because who wants to hear me complain for an hour and I'm sure they're just looking at me like I'm making excuses and being lazy and that I don't really want to work for it? I don't know.. that's how I feel people's perceptions of me are when I want to talk about it. Maybe I just don't know how to find the words to talk about it without sounding like a whiny little bitch? I don't know? Maybe it's me. But, for the love of God, there's a reason why I keep those things bottled up inside of me. Other people simply don't understand what it's like. And, I don't know how to explain it without making other people angry.
I found this article on Pinterest.
http://www.pcosdietsupport.com/pcos-awareness/10-things-a-woman-with-pcos-would-like-you-to-know/
....and I wanted to bring it into my blog post because I think it did a good job of explaining some things that I don't do well of explaining...
1. This disease impacts so much more than my ovaries. In fact, my doctor is pleased with the way my ovaries have responded to birth control, and thinks that I will be okay when I try to have babies. Although, my ovaries still have cysts, they still burst, and they still try to kill me occasionally.
2. I MAY BE OVERWEIGHT BUT ITS NOT BECAUSE OF A LACK IN EFFORT
"Some people may look at me and think I’m lazy, that I really should stop eating so much or that I don’t care about the way that I look. That’s simply not true. Don’t judge me because of my size.
4. SOMETIMES I JUST CAN'T HELP IT
I know I'm acting crazy some days, and I know I am irrational. I know that I say the wrong things, appear argumentative, or unappreciative. I wish I could control that. Mood swings are real, and they are out of my control. I try my best to work on it. I really do. Please know that I don't ever intend to appear bitchy towards you. I don't blame any person for this. I really just can't help it. I'm working on it.
5. I am determined.
PCOS makes me feel ugly. PCOS makes me feel unattractive. PCOS makes me feel like there will never be a man on this planet who is ever able to fall in love with me. That's the cold hard truth. Dating terrifies me. 9 times out of 10, if I even find someone remotely interested in me, I make up a reason in my head that I can't get close to him, because I don't want to have a discussion about my facial hair, weird hormonal imbalances, and cysts on my ovaries that occasionally, without warning, just explode and world war 3 happens inside my body.
BUT,
I'm not giving up. Just because PCOS does all of those ugly things to me, it doesn't mean I'm defeated. I refuse to let PCOS define who I am as a person.
6. I DO appreciate you and love you.
Thank you for loving me despite my flaws. Thank you for sticking with me despite my mood swings, depression, anxiety, stress levels, and frustrations. I promise I appreciate you. I promise I love you. I promise just being there for me is enough. You don't have to understand what I'm going through. Just loving me is all I need. So, thank you.
Okay so let's check in on the journey...
I started my second diet bet. I've gained some weight. Lost a few pounds again, and gained some more. I've been extremely frustrated. I had an entire cheat weekend. I ate whatever I wanted, didn't track a single piece of food, and drank a lot of beer. I did still get 10,000 steps Friday and Saturday, and went for a run/walk to Lake Michigan in the snow. But, I didn't eat well.
And I gained 3 pounds back.
It's very frustrating to continue facing these battles of up and down. I worked out hard on Monday, and still didn't lose a single pound Tuesday morning.
I got sick around 12:30 yesterday afternoon, and spent 16 hours puking or pooping once at least every 40 minutes. I can't eat anything, and I'm currently trying to force myself to drink some diet coke because I have such a bad headache. I'm hoping the caffeine will help kill that. If I can keep it down.
Over night, I lost 7 pounds. SEVEN.
I don't know how I even have anything left inside of me, but it keeps coming.
With no appetite.
I know I will gain those 7 pounds back, and that stresses me out.
Because, obviously I need rest. My body needs to make a full recovery.
So, How long do I wait until I just go for it? I try to eat? I try to workout?
Being sick was certainly not part of the plan.
I wish I could say that I am sleeping. I am not. It's awful. I can't keep my mask on for even the 4 hour compliance time each night. Some nights, I remember taking it off- usually when the pressure is too high and I freak out. Other nights, I have no idea when or why I took it off. The mask freaks me out. I can't fall asleep, no matter how tired I actually am. And, so it just begins another horrible cycle of sleepless nights.
I am finding that my Sleep Apnea symptoms are becoming worse though.
1. I have a shit memory, which pisses me off, because I've always had a good memory.
2. I am waking up with killer headaches every day. No one wants to start their day with a headache.
3.I am exhausted. I physically and emotionally cannot function. It is not good.
I am hoping that I can get into the doctor to see if there is any medication they can give to me to help me to actually fall asleep and help the anxiety I have about the mask. I didn't ever think I was claustrophobic before, but it's really not comfortable. :(
I have finally reached the 30 pound mark. In fact, I am almost half way between 30 and the 40 pound mark. This is great news. I know it is. It's a good feeling to have lost almost 40 pounds. Reaching that 40 pound mark will put me at the lowest weight I've been in years. and I mean lots of years. I am so close to seeing numbers I've never dreamed I would see again. But, it's so hard to find that to be something I can celebrate and I know that's hard for others to understand. I've lost over 30 pounds, why am I not happy about that?
I've lost weight before.
And every single time, I've gained it back.
Every. Single. Time.
So, losing this weight IS great. I know it is. But, I still have doubts and fears about when my body will just say it's done.
I still wonder when I will just "give up" enough that I don't continue as strong anymore because facing defeat over and over again is hard. It's shitty, actually.
I also know 100% that I am doing this for me. For me to find happiness in my health. For me to feel like my weight isn't restricting my ability to live my life. That is why I am working so hard at this.
To be honest, If someone doesn't like me because I'm fat, then that's their problem. They're missing out on one hell of a person. I'm pretty awesome, and I have a lot to offer someone in a friendship, relationship, whatever... So, if my waist size, and a number on the scale are all it takes for you to give up on me, then I don't really care.
With that said, it's still hurtful. I still fear that people will feel that way. It still hurts my feelings I'm still told things that make me wonder how people are so compassion-less.
I was recently told, "you're not fat. You just need to eat more fruit. Eat more fruit, and less meat."
Are you kidding me?
What does that even mean?
Why would someone say that?
And, bitch... I eat too much fruit.
No. I'm not skinny. Yes. I have a lot of weight to lose.
Yes, I have a lot of fat on my body.
And even though, no one around me can notice that I've lost over 3o flipping pounds, I have. I'm on one hell of a journey. Everyone carries their weight differently. If you can lose 70 pounds in less than a year, and people notice. Great. I am happy for you and your success. But, I lose 30 pounds, and get ZERO recognition of it. None.
That's frustrating. It's hurtful, and it can set me back.
Someone also recently said to me, "you've lost 17 pounds?? Holy smokes".
Yes. I had lost 17 pounds in the month of January. Thanks for letting me know that I am so fat, that you can't even tell that I lost almost double the recommended amount of weight loss in a month.
How do I learn to be less concerned with these comments? How do I not let this hurt me? How do I continue to be 100% invested only in myself and not so concerned about other people noticing?
I guess I just need to lean a little more on my faith...
and let life take it's time...
and give it 12 weeks. Do it for me.
I'm 6 weeks in. 6 weeks away from giving this a real shot.
I'm not giving up.
I'm frustrated. But, I'm not giving up.
There's a few reasons.
1. I feel like a failure, and have had a pretty rough time with this journey the past few weeks.
2. There's a reason that I don't usually talk about my daily struggles with others -
3. I have increasingly been discovering that I struggle to talk about my fears, frustrations, and struggles without other people being angry with me, or thinking that I'm arguing, being negative, or being rude. I never purposely would want someone to think those things about me. It's hard. If you don't actually experience the daily struggles that I do with this disease, I suppose it is truly impossible to completely understand. People try. My friends are great. My family is the best. They try. But, to be completely honest, I feel like the more I try to talk about my struggles, fears, and failures, the more people get frustrated with me and it turns into me feeling more frustrated. I don't try to argue with people when they say things like "It will get better." or "It's okay".
No. It's not okay, and No. It's not going to get better.
I don't say those things to be rude or disrespectful to your support. I say those things because it's simply not true. There is NO cure for PCOS. Some women find ways to help them cope differently than others. I am not there yet. But, there is no cure. There is nothing I can do that will make these things completely go away. I can't just starve myself for a day or a week, and lose some weight. I can't take some diet pills, or use some commercial program that offers pills, shakes, programs, etc.. It is not possible. My body does not respond. My body will not accept them. In fact, most of the time, those things make my weight control worse. Not better. I'm so happy that those things can work for others. I'm not knocking the people who use them at all.
My two best friends have lost weight in ways that work for them. One of them started by using a pill, and working out every day. One of them consistently uses Advocare. I have seen both of them make amazing changes in their lives. They are healthier, happier, and they were successful using whatever worked for them and their lives. They faced struggles, got back up again, and continued. Nothing is easy. It's all hard work. But, their programs worked for them.
I can't do either. My body won't let me.
So, when people say to me, "Just keep trying", I really just want to punch them in their fucking faces. Because, I have been trying. I am trying. I try EVERY DAMN DAY of my life. Every day is a struggle. Every day is a battle, and sometimes, I'm lucky enough to feel like I'm winning that battle, or doing something good, but a lot of the time still, I feel like I'm losing a battle, and continuing to fight uphill as it gets harder and harder to make any strides.
If you think that just because I'm struggling, and want to complain about my fucked up body to you, that that means I'm not trying, then please don't even bother.
Because, even if I indulge in a Reese's Peanut Butter cup that day, I'm still trying. I'm human. I need a healthy relationship with food. It's hard to have though, because a normal person can eat a candy bar, work out, and feel fine. I eat a candy bar, work out double, and gain 1.2 pounds over night. I'm not even joking, either.
Oh well. It is what it is. Right?
I hide these things from so many people in my life. I don't let them know what's really going on, because who wants to hear me complain for an hour and I'm sure they're just looking at me like I'm making excuses and being lazy and that I don't really want to work for it? I don't know.. that's how I feel people's perceptions of me are when I want to talk about it. Maybe I just don't know how to find the words to talk about it without sounding like a whiny little bitch? I don't know? Maybe it's me. But, for the love of God, there's a reason why I keep those things bottled up inside of me. Other people simply don't understand what it's like. And, I don't know how to explain it without making other people angry.
I found this article on Pinterest.
http://www.pcosdietsupport.com/pcos-awareness/10-things-a-woman-with-pcos-would-like-you-to-know/
....and I wanted to bring it into my blog post because I think it did a good job of explaining some things that I don't do well of explaining...
1. This disease impacts so much more than my ovaries. In fact, my doctor is pleased with the way my ovaries have responded to birth control, and thinks that I will be okay when I try to have babies. Although, my ovaries still have cysts, they still burst, and they still try to kill me occasionally.
2. I MAY BE OVERWEIGHT BUT ITS NOT BECAUSE OF A LACK IN EFFORT
"Some people may look at me and think I’m lazy, that I really should stop eating so much or that I don’t care about the way that I look. That’s simply not true. Don’t judge me because of my size.
PCOS makes it so easy for me to gain weight and losing it again is a constant struggle. I am often careful about what I eat and am mindful that what I put in my body is either helpful or harmful. So, please cut me some slack. I may be overweight but I’m working on it."
3. PCOS is not curable4. SOMETIMES I JUST CAN'T HELP IT
I know I'm acting crazy some days, and I know I am irrational. I know that I say the wrong things, appear argumentative, or unappreciative. I wish I could control that. Mood swings are real, and they are out of my control. I try my best to work on it. I really do. Please know that I don't ever intend to appear bitchy towards you. I don't blame any person for this. I really just can't help it. I'm working on it.
5. I am determined.
PCOS makes me feel ugly. PCOS makes me feel unattractive. PCOS makes me feel like there will never be a man on this planet who is ever able to fall in love with me. That's the cold hard truth. Dating terrifies me. 9 times out of 10, if I even find someone remotely interested in me, I make up a reason in my head that I can't get close to him, because I don't want to have a discussion about my facial hair, weird hormonal imbalances, and cysts on my ovaries that occasionally, without warning, just explode and world war 3 happens inside my body.
BUT,
I'm not giving up. Just because PCOS does all of those ugly things to me, it doesn't mean I'm defeated. I refuse to let PCOS define who I am as a person.
6. I DO appreciate you and love you.
Thank you for loving me despite my flaws. Thank you for sticking with me despite my mood swings, depression, anxiety, stress levels, and frustrations. I promise I appreciate you. I promise I love you. I promise just being there for me is enough. You don't have to understand what I'm going through. Just loving me is all I need. So, thank you.
Okay so let's check in on the journey...
I started my second diet bet. I've gained some weight. Lost a few pounds again, and gained some more. I've been extremely frustrated. I had an entire cheat weekend. I ate whatever I wanted, didn't track a single piece of food, and drank a lot of beer. I did still get 10,000 steps Friday and Saturday, and went for a run/walk to Lake Michigan in the snow. But, I didn't eat well.
And I gained 3 pounds back.
It's very frustrating to continue facing these battles of up and down. I worked out hard on Monday, and still didn't lose a single pound Tuesday morning.
I got sick around 12:30 yesterday afternoon, and spent 16 hours puking or pooping once at least every 40 minutes. I can't eat anything, and I'm currently trying to force myself to drink some diet coke because I have such a bad headache. I'm hoping the caffeine will help kill that. If I can keep it down.
Over night, I lost 7 pounds. SEVEN.
I don't know how I even have anything left inside of me, but it keeps coming.
With no appetite.
I know I will gain those 7 pounds back, and that stresses me out.
Because, obviously I need rest. My body needs to make a full recovery.
So, How long do I wait until I just go for it? I try to eat? I try to workout?
Being sick was certainly not part of the plan.
I wish I could say that I am sleeping. I am not. It's awful. I can't keep my mask on for even the 4 hour compliance time each night. Some nights, I remember taking it off- usually when the pressure is too high and I freak out. Other nights, I have no idea when or why I took it off. The mask freaks me out. I can't fall asleep, no matter how tired I actually am. And, so it just begins another horrible cycle of sleepless nights.
I am finding that my Sleep Apnea symptoms are becoming worse though.
1. I have a shit memory, which pisses me off, because I've always had a good memory.
2. I am waking up with killer headaches every day. No one wants to start their day with a headache.
3.I am exhausted. I physically and emotionally cannot function. It is not good.
I am hoping that I can get into the doctor to see if there is any medication they can give to me to help me to actually fall asleep and help the anxiety I have about the mask. I didn't ever think I was claustrophobic before, but it's really not comfortable. :(
I have finally reached the 30 pound mark. In fact, I am almost half way between 30 and the 40 pound mark. This is great news. I know it is. It's a good feeling to have lost almost 40 pounds. Reaching that 40 pound mark will put me at the lowest weight I've been in years. and I mean lots of years. I am so close to seeing numbers I've never dreamed I would see again. But, it's so hard to find that to be something I can celebrate and I know that's hard for others to understand. I've lost over 30 pounds, why am I not happy about that?
I've lost weight before.
And every single time, I've gained it back.
Every. Single. Time.
So, losing this weight IS great. I know it is. But, I still have doubts and fears about when my body will just say it's done.
I still wonder when I will just "give up" enough that I don't continue as strong anymore because facing defeat over and over again is hard. It's shitty, actually.
I also know 100% that I am doing this for me. For me to find happiness in my health. For me to feel like my weight isn't restricting my ability to live my life. That is why I am working so hard at this.
To be honest, If someone doesn't like me because I'm fat, then that's their problem. They're missing out on one hell of a person. I'm pretty awesome, and I have a lot to offer someone in a friendship, relationship, whatever... So, if my waist size, and a number on the scale are all it takes for you to give up on me, then I don't really care.
With that said, it's still hurtful. I still fear that people will feel that way. It still hurts my feelings I'm still told things that make me wonder how people are so compassion-less.
I was recently told, "you're not fat. You just need to eat more fruit. Eat more fruit, and less meat."
Are you kidding me?
What does that even mean?
Why would someone say that?
And, bitch... I eat too much fruit.
No. I'm not skinny. Yes. I have a lot of weight to lose.
Yes, I have a lot of fat on my body.
And even though, no one around me can notice that I've lost over 3o flipping pounds, I have. I'm on one hell of a journey. Everyone carries their weight differently. If you can lose 70 pounds in less than a year, and people notice. Great. I am happy for you and your success. But, I lose 30 pounds, and get ZERO recognition of it. None.
That's frustrating. It's hurtful, and it can set me back.
Someone also recently said to me, "you've lost 17 pounds?? Holy smokes".
Yes. I had lost 17 pounds in the month of January. Thanks for letting me know that I am so fat, that you can't even tell that I lost almost double the recommended amount of weight loss in a month.
How do I learn to be less concerned with these comments? How do I not let this hurt me? How do I continue to be 100% invested only in myself and not so concerned about other people noticing?
I guess I just need to lean a little more on my faith...
and let life take it's time...
and give it 12 weeks. Do it for me.
I'm 6 weeks in. 6 weeks away from giving this a real shot.
I'm not giving up.
I'm frustrated. But, I'm not giving up.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Finding a little bit of hope and a lotta bit of love
The end of January is here.
On the last day of January, I find myself 20 pounds lighter than where I was on the first day of January.
I worked my butt off this month. I've overcome the odds.
I wish I could say that I'm sleeping. But, that's not quite there yet. Anyone reading this use a Cpap machine and have any tips for adjusting to the mask life? The pressure build up is killing me! Help!
Anyway--- someday!
I can't help but find myself still thinking though, on some days, that maybe now will be when my body decides it's done.
It's been exciting to see the numbers going down finally. After so many disappointments.
But, it's also terrifying because when those numbers go up, I immediately resort to thinking that I've reached the end- the point where my body rejects changing, and I depressingly give up.
I haven't let myself get to that point yet, and for that I am forever thankful.
I think, as a woman in general, or maybe even just a human, it's a challenge to stop comparing yourself to others. I remember growing up and hearing my mom and dad say all the time, that there was always going to be someone better, smarter, and prettier than you. But there was also never going to be another YOU.
Those words are so important.
I can't compare my struggle and my success to the success of anyone else. No one else is me. There are other teachers struggling to lose weight, there are women with pcos trying to fight battles, but none of them have all the strengths, weaknesses, struggles, and successes that I do, because we are all different. Our struggles are different. Our battles are different. And therefore, our successes and failures will be different too.
With that said, I found myself a few times recently, frustrated that I couldn't see a difference in my before and after pictures. Why can other people share transformation pictures and I can't? It's another struggle I fight in this battle.
But, then I realized that patience and hope are two things I should be relying more on.
I saw a picture on my timehop today. One year ago, I completed an advocare 24 day challenge. I lost 16 pounds, and remember reaching the end and binge eating for 2 weeks.
But, I had lost weight and showed ridiculous transformation.
I compared that picture to a selfie I took today.
Even though I'm fighting a battle that seems impossible, in a years time, I can finally see the progress I was looking for.
I'm almost to 30 pounds lost since August. I can officially say that this summer/spring, I can go on an adventure I've been waiting for for years, because I am within the weight requirement. Even with clothes on!
I have zero intentions of giving up now. Zero.
What did I learn this month?
1. Food is not the enemy. I went out with friends one night, ate fried bar food, and drank beer, used my weeklies, and didn't reach 10,000 steps. I was terrified that I was going to step on that scale the next day, and start my cycle all over again.
What happened when I stepped on that scale? I lost 1.2 pounds from the previous day.
Yesterday, I hiked 8.5 miles, made it to 25,000 steps, and stayed in my points range. What happened when I stepped on the scale today?
I gained 0.2 pounds since yesterday.
The most important thing I learned this month is that I am human. I am going to be human my whole life. It's okay to eat out, it's okay to drink beer, and it's okay to have lazy days.
It's not okay to fall into a routine of that every day. But it's okay. I'm okay. I'll be okay.
This is a process.
A long one.
But I'm taking control.
And PCOS is not going to define my life.
As I start February, I start a new diet bet. I hope you will consider joining me and pledging to lose 4% of your weight in February! See the link below!
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Sometimes a little pampering can go a long way...
It's no secret that the last few days have left me feeling defeated and ready to throw in the towel and let PCOS win again.
Yesterday, I took the day off work to go to a doctors appointment. Not just any doctors appointment, but the appointment I have been waiting for for so long!
I was finally able to pick up a CPAP machine and learn how to use it. It was exciting, and a little overwhelming. I was told to take my time. And to let myself get used to the mask and the machine. It was normal for it to be an adjustment.
I have been waiting for sleep for SO long. So LONG.
I decided that I was going to spend the day rewarding and pampering myself. I did a little shopping, and planning in my head, went tanning, and got my nails done! I even stepped out of my comfort zone and cut my hair!!
Cutting my hair is terrifying. But, thankfully, I have some pretty talented friends!
A little self love and I was feeling 400 times better about myself. And this journey.
I even heard "you look great" three times yesterday.
Worth it.
I really wanted to see what I could do, so last night, I went to sleep like this...
I'm sure it will help me find a man...
But, whatever.
I was able to wear it for the first 3.5 hours of my sleep. And this is what that sleep looked like according to my Fitbit
That's not great. But, I haven't had gaps in my restlessness like that since August!
My body is used to me stopping breathing for at least 10 seconds, 14 times an hour. So, improvement is improvement.
I did put the mask on again for another hour and a half later in the night. It is weird. It is hard to adjust to.
But, I have to believe it's worth it.
Hopefully tonight is a better attempt.
I really want to make it a whole night with the mask.
Tomorrow is my official weigh in day, but according to the scale this morning, I am ONE pound away from my first adventure goal. I can't wait to reward myself with this adventure this spring!
I also am 10 pounds away from my last big weight loss feat. When I moved to Arizona, I was feeling super healthy! I'm almost back to that weight again.
I'm not giving up.
And thank God, I didn't when I felt those set backs this week!
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Damn you, PCOS
I used to think something was seriously wrong with me. Which would turn into more self-hate.
But, I have gone through these periods where everything is fine, I am happy, and content, and then BOOM, nothing feels like it can go right. I don't want to say I slip into a depression, because it isn't always that serious. I used to fight this, and think that there was something wrong - why couldn't I just pull myself out. I mean, everyone has struggles, but they cope and deal with it. Why can't I?
Then, as I started accepting my diagnosis of PCOS, I started learning that maybe there wasn't something all that wrong with me (besides the norm) and that it was the PCOS to blame. I couldn't control it. It was the imbalance in my body that was overtaking everything else I was working towards.
It doesn't make it easier... but it doesn't make me hate myself quite as much anymore...
I'm in the depression right now.
I finally lost some weight. It doesn't make a difference.. I still look the same, I still wear the same clothes, I can't take a cute selfie to make myself feel better about my face, I still look the same. But, I've lost some pounds, and that's better than where I was 3.5 weeks ago.
But, I've lost weight before. I've been able to lose pounds. And I get to about this point, and they start coming right back to me. They don't want to be lost anymore, I guess. It's the cycle I've known all my life.
I keep trying to change that. I've tried positive thinking, I've tried envisioning myself reaching certain weights and sizes. I've tried. EVERY DAY.
But, today, I stepped on the scale, and I gained.
I did everything I'm supposed to be doing.
I stay within my points.
I exercise.
I obsess over 10,000 steps a day and winning challenges.
And, I still am gaining.
Still.
So, is this where the cycle begins again?
Is this where my body says "haha, just kidding. you can't really lose weight after all"?
That's what it feels like...
I'm defeated.
I'm nervous..
And everyone around me continues to have success.... everyone around me is getting those compliments, is continuing to work hard, BUT actually seeing results.
And here I am, starting the cycle again, where I'm gaining.
So, Damn you, PCOS.
Go away.
You aren't welcome.
You're ruining my life.
But, I have gone through these periods where everything is fine, I am happy, and content, and then BOOM, nothing feels like it can go right. I don't want to say I slip into a depression, because it isn't always that serious. I used to fight this, and think that there was something wrong - why couldn't I just pull myself out. I mean, everyone has struggles, but they cope and deal with it. Why can't I?
Then, as I started accepting my diagnosis of PCOS, I started learning that maybe there wasn't something all that wrong with me (besides the norm) and that it was the PCOS to blame. I couldn't control it. It was the imbalance in my body that was overtaking everything else I was working towards.
It doesn't make it easier... but it doesn't make me hate myself quite as much anymore...
I'm in the depression right now.
I finally lost some weight. It doesn't make a difference.. I still look the same, I still wear the same clothes, I can't take a cute selfie to make myself feel better about my face, I still look the same. But, I've lost some pounds, and that's better than where I was 3.5 weeks ago.
But, I've lost weight before. I've been able to lose pounds. And I get to about this point, and they start coming right back to me. They don't want to be lost anymore, I guess. It's the cycle I've known all my life.
I keep trying to change that. I've tried positive thinking, I've tried envisioning myself reaching certain weights and sizes. I've tried. EVERY DAY.
But, today, I stepped on the scale, and I gained.
I did everything I'm supposed to be doing.
I stay within my points.
I exercise.
I obsess over 10,000 steps a day and winning challenges.
And, I still am gaining.
Still.
So, is this where the cycle begins again?
Is this where my body says "haha, just kidding. you can't really lose weight after all"?
That's what it feels like...
I'm defeated.
I'm nervous..
And everyone around me continues to have success.... everyone around me is getting those compliments, is continuing to work hard, BUT actually seeing results.
And here I am, starting the cycle again, where I'm gaining.
So, Damn you, PCOS.
Go away.
You aren't welcome.
You're ruining my life.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Trusting the process
Week totals
Total pounds lost since starting diet bet: 13.2
Total steps this week: 80,588
I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a number I haven't seen in quite some time. I was immediately overjoyed. I've finally overcome the hump I haven't been able to get over in so many tries.
I have lost 20 pounds since I started wearing my Fitbit regularly again in August.
It took me a long time, but I finally reached that goal and earned that accomplishment.
I credit positive thinking and me really changing my thoughts to this. I have tried for so long and so hard but I grew to keep accepting negative results. It was hard to overcome that, but I had to.
I have found myself obsessed with getting 10,000 steps each day. On Saturday, I went to the mall alone so that I could walk until reaching the 10,000 make. The weekends are so hard for me. I want to relax and be lazy, and I want to be active. I think if the weather didn't suck so bad, it might not be as hard. But, it is what it is. I have to learn to adjust.
Back to this morning...
I was SO excited to see that number on the scale. And I was so excited to wear jeans this weekend that I haven't worn since last winter.
I thought, this was a great time to document some progress.
So, I asked my little sister to take a picture of me... I wasn't wearing a bra, and the tank top I was wearing was falling down, and I looked ridiculous.
But, what startled me the most...
I looked the same.
How could someone who has lost 13 pounds look exactly the same.
No wonder I never get compliments. I still look like that.
I had reached such a high, and in a millisecond, I fell from it. Shattered.
How long is this going to take? How long do I have to wait until I look at that progress picture and actually see something?
I felt so defeated.
For a while...
I spent a few hours just reminding myself to trust the process. Trust the process. Trust the process.
I picked myself up a bit.
I've met my 10,000 step goal today ... On a day I didn't expect to, and on a day where last week, I didn't even get to 6,000.
But, what's really resonating with
me is this quote I found browsing Pinterest...
Gosh, that really spoke to me. Time. Patience. Faith. Hope. Belief. I need more of all of these things.
I can't rush. Even though I want to. I have to trust this journey. I have to trust that someday, I'll get there. Someday.
For now, I'm changing habits, enjoying life, and finding a way to make this work.
I hope that the next time I wrote, I will be able to say that I'm miraculously sleeping again.
Cross your fingers.
I also look forward to the day when I can post a transformation picture and actually fee like I've made a difference in my own life.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Vulnerability and Judgement...
I was blessed with a snow day today, and there's literally nothing better! Snow days as an adult are so much better than snow days as a kid, I swear!
Unfortunately, I didn't get very much more sleep, but it was nice staying in bed until 8:00 AM!
I woke up this morning and instantly felt like today was going to be a failure because it was going to be so much harder to get 10,000 steps. I already planned on not having an extra workout today due to basketball, but I was planning on working hard to make sure I met my step goal at least. A snow day was called appropriately - the roads sucked! But, I did force myself to get up and out and walk around the grocery store. That helped the step total, and I'm hoping I might still be able to make it to the goal. I may or may not have walked circles around my house trying to get steps earlier. Oops.
I'm doing good nutrition wise and I was super excited to make breakfast this morning and I ate lunch watching my favorite guilty pleasure - Bones.
The reason I decided to write today is because I have realized today how uncomfortable it truly is to do something you don't want to do, or you aren't used to doing. Writing this blog, and sharing it with the world is completely stepping out of my comfort zone. I am highly 100% independent. I know that my level of independence is pretty rare. I moved across the country by myself and only took what would fit in my tiny car. I know how weird that is to a lot of people. I don't understand it - because I literally didn't even second guess myself once, but I know it. I don't need someone else to like myself, I don't need someone else to do anything. If I want to go out to eat, I go. If I want to watch a movie, I do. If I want to go on vacation, I will. I can do it all alone. I can and I actually enjoy it. That being said, I also am a pretty secretive person. I don't feel the need to air my life out for the world to see. I don't post a daily facebook status updating people about what's going on, and I don't even tell my mom what I'm doing every day. I don't tell the world every time I work out, and I don't post when I'm eating healthy. I keep a lot to myself, and I don't need anyone's approval, or acknowledgement. I don't need attention from anyone, and I just keep a lot of my life to myself.
Being independent is absolutely one of my positive traits... but my secretive independence can also be considered a downfall.
Writing this blog, and sharing it with people who don't know me. Not a big deal.
Writing this blog and sharing with people who see my every day.... that's where I become vulnerable. I don't like sharing these things about my life. I feel weaker because of some of these things. But, I've seen some positive reactions from the people in my life who learned something new about me. Maybe I needed the vulnerability and the reach out of my comfort zone so that I can hold myself accountable in new ways. I want to succeed 100% for myself, but maybe now that I know that so many of the people in my life know about my struggles, I have to work just as hard to show them that I'm in this for good.
Either way, it's still weird. It's still a little uncomfortable to know that my co-workers, former classroom parents, friends, and family members are stepping into this part of my world that I have always tried so hard to keep hidden.
That led me to another thought...
Why is it that it makes me so vulnerable?
I fear judgement ...
I know we all do. But, I think I fear judgement a lot more than I would have ever cared to admit before.
I heard one of my students say yesterday, "Ms. Niehaus came to my basketball game. I didn't recognize her. She looked weird. She didn't have any makeup on." I didn't really think much about it at the time. But, I realized how dependent I am on that "fake face" as part of my professional identity. I wish young girls would slow time down and not become so dependent on that part of their identity until they are older. But, why am I so dependent on that when being seen in public?
Because of vulnerability. Because of that fear of judgement.
So, why is it that women are so judgemental to each other? Why do we care so much about another woman's life when we probably don't know much about her.
It irritates me to think about the people who have judged me not knowing anything about my struggles, but at the same time, if I opened up and told them about my struggles, would they be less judgemental? I don't know.
I found myself leaving the gym yesterday concerned about judgement from others. I did 35 minutes on the elliptical. I did a random workout that included many different speeds, climbs, and resistance levels. I burned over 450 calories in that time. I didn't work extremely hard, but it wasn't entirely easy. It raised my heart rate, gained some steps, and got me moving. I sweat, but I didn't sweat profusely. I instantly feared that judgement that I didn't workout hard enough because I didn't look like I had killed myself on the machine. My face wasn't beat red and soaked in sweat.
Why in God's name am I concerned about what someone else is going to think about my workout? My workout, whether it is easy or hard, isn't going to hurt or benefit anyone on this planet, except myself. If someone wants to look at me and think that I didn't work hard enough because I don't look like they did at the end of their workout, then my God, judge away. Because, I shouldn't have time for that. I shouldn't be concerned about that. Every single one of us is so different, our bodies are different, and capable of so much, but so much different. Our daily activity is different. I workout after working 8-10 hours in my classroom with 30 children. That's exhausting. But, I'm working out.
So, be a little more kind. To yourself. Don't judge yourself, and whatever you do, don't fear the judgement. You're doing the best you can.
Love yourself.
Unfortunately, I didn't get very much more sleep, but it was nice staying in bed until 8:00 AM!
I woke up this morning and instantly felt like today was going to be a failure because it was going to be so much harder to get 10,000 steps. I already planned on not having an extra workout today due to basketball, but I was planning on working hard to make sure I met my step goal at least. A snow day was called appropriately - the roads sucked! But, I did force myself to get up and out and walk around the grocery store. That helped the step total, and I'm hoping I might still be able to make it to the goal. I may or may not have walked circles around my house trying to get steps earlier. Oops.
I'm doing good nutrition wise and I was super excited to make breakfast this morning and I ate lunch watching my favorite guilty pleasure - Bones.
The reason I decided to write today is because I have realized today how uncomfortable it truly is to do something you don't want to do, or you aren't used to doing. Writing this blog, and sharing it with the world is completely stepping out of my comfort zone. I am highly 100% independent. I know that my level of independence is pretty rare. I moved across the country by myself and only took what would fit in my tiny car. I know how weird that is to a lot of people. I don't understand it - because I literally didn't even second guess myself once, but I know it. I don't need someone else to like myself, I don't need someone else to do anything. If I want to go out to eat, I go. If I want to watch a movie, I do. If I want to go on vacation, I will. I can do it all alone. I can and I actually enjoy it. That being said, I also am a pretty secretive person. I don't feel the need to air my life out for the world to see. I don't post a daily facebook status updating people about what's going on, and I don't even tell my mom what I'm doing every day. I don't tell the world every time I work out, and I don't post when I'm eating healthy. I keep a lot to myself, and I don't need anyone's approval, or acknowledgement. I don't need attention from anyone, and I just keep a lot of my life to myself.
Being independent is absolutely one of my positive traits... but my secretive independence can also be considered a downfall.
Writing this blog, and sharing it with people who don't know me. Not a big deal.
Writing this blog and sharing with people who see my every day.... that's where I become vulnerable. I don't like sharing these things about my life. I feel weaker because of some of these things. But, I've seen some positive reactions from the people in my life who learned something new about me. Maybe I needed the vulnerability and the reach out of my comfort zone so that I can hold myself accountable in new ways. I want to succeed 100% for myself, but maybe now that I know that so many of the people in my life know about my struggles, I have to work just as hard to show them that I'm in this for good.
Either way, it's still weird. It's still a little uncomfortable to know that my co-workers, former classroom parents, friends, and family members are stepping into this part of my world that I have always tried so hard to keep hidden.
That led me to another thought...
Why is it that it makes me so vulnerable?
I fear judgement ...
I know we all do. But, I think I fear judgement a lot more than I would have ever cared to admit before.
I heard one of my students say yesterday, "Ms. Niehaus came to my basketball game. I didn't recognize her. She looked weird. She didn't have any makeup on." I didn't really think much about it at the time. But, I realized how dependent I am on that "fake face" as part of my professional identity. I wish young girls would slow time down and not become so dependent on that part of their identity until they are older. But, why am I so dependent on that when being seen in public?
Because of vulnerability. Because of that fear of judgement.
So, why is it that women are so judgemental to each other? Why do we care so much about another woman's life when we probably don't know much about her.
It irritates me to think about the people who have judged me not knowing anything about my struggles, but at the same time, if I opened up and told them about my struggles, would they be less judgemental? I don't know.
I found myself leaving the gym yesterday concerned about judgement from others. I did 35 minutes on the elliptical. I did a random workout that included many different speeds, climbs, and resistance levels. I burned over 450 calories in that time. I didn't work extremely hard, but it wasn't entirely easy. It raised my heart rate, gained some steps, and got me moving. I sweat, but I didn't sweat profusely. I instantly feared that judgement that I didn't workout hard enough because I didn't look like I had killed myself on the machine. My face wasn't beat red and soaked in sweat.
Why in God's name am I concerned about what someone else is going to think about my workout? My workout, whether it is easy or hard, isn't going to hurt or benefit anyone on this planet, except myself. If someone wants to look at me and think that I didn't work hard enough because I don't look like they did at the end of their workout, then my God, judge away. Because, I shouldn't have time for that. I shouldn't be concerned about that. Every single one of us is so different, our bodies are different, and capable of so much, but so much different. Our daily activity is different. I workout after working 8-10 hours in my classroom with 30 children. That's exhausting. But, I'm working out.
So, be a little more kind. To yourself. Don't judge yourself, and whatever you do, don't fear the judgement. You're doing the best you can.
Love yourself.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Wait, the scale number is going down?
Week 2:
Total Pounds Lost: 6.7
Total Steps this week: 87,859
Average Sleep: 2 hours, 13 minutes
So this past week was my first week back to school. I was hoping to find myself in a routine and that it would help. Did I find a routine? Did it help?
Well.. sort of.
Yes, a routine in the sense that I have to be at work at a certain time and I have to work certain hours, and I have a schedule and that forces me to be out of bed and moving. But, during basketball season, I don't think routine is possible. It was hard to get back into my work schedule and still find time for working out. I didn't want to, but I did find myself working out every day this week.
The best part of that last sentence is that I forced myself to leave work before 4:30 every single day this past week. Every day. I don't think that has ever happened in my teaching career so far. One of my goals for this year was to spend less time working passed my required time. So far, I think I'm doing a good job of that. I still did arrive at work way early, but I would rather be there early and leave early so that I can get some workout time in. The weather was very helpful this week, as I was able to walk outside 4 of the days and I was able to get into the school weight room one day.
Today is a different story. It is snowy, it is windy, and it is cold. I think this week will be much more wintry, and that makes me nervous because I HATE Working out inside. I absolutely HATE it. I would so much rather be outside walking/running.
Summary of the week:
1. I am exhausted, STILL. I can't wait to finally have a sleep machine and start sleeping like a normal person
2. I can't believe I've lost weight. Changing your mindset does wonders!
3. I think my body is going to turn into a sub. I ate Subway A LOT this week!
4. Why did I pay almost $8 for a bag of grapes today?
5. I am wearing a sweatshirt today that I refused to wear in public a month ago. It seriously already fits better!
6. I hope this week doesn't result in a gain.
7. Check out what I made for brunch today!!
Seriously. That whole plate of deliciousness is only 8 points!!
Kodiak Cakes Protein Pancakes (1/2 cup)
1/2 cup Dannon Light and Fit Vanilla flavored Yogurt
2 tbsp PB2
1 banana
I stole this from a fellow WW member that I follow on Instagram - @Ilostbigandsocanyou
So Yummy!!
Here's my latest concerns- I HATE Working out inside. Absolutely hate it. But, with winter finally making an appearance in lower Michigan, do I pay for a Planet Fitness $10 membership and force myself to get to the gym, so that I know I'm working out?
How do people workout in the winter when it's actually snowy and Icy?
What do you do?
Total Pounds Lost: 6.7
Total Steps this week: 87,859
Average Sleep: 2 hours, 13 minutes
So this past week was my first week back to school. I was hoping to find myself in a routine and that it would help. Did I find a routine? Did it help?
Well.. sort of.
Yes, a routine in the sense that I have to be at work at a certain time and I have to work certain hours, and I have a schedule and that forces me to be out of bed and moving. But, during basketball season, I don't think routine is possible. It was hard to get back into my work schedule and still find time for working out. I didn't want to, but I did find myself working out every day this week.
The best part of that last sentence is that I forced myself to leave work before 4:30 every single day this past week. Every day. I don't think that has ever happened in my teaching career so far. One of my goals for this year was to spend less time working passed my required time. So far, I think I'm doing a good job of that. I still did arrive at work way early, but I would rather be there early and leave early so that I can get some workout time in. The weather was very helpful this week, as I was able to walk outside 4 of the days and I was able to get into the school weight room one day.
Today is a different story. It is snowy, it is windy, and it is cold. I think this week will be much more wintry, and that makes me nervous because I HATE Working out inside. I absolutely HATE it. I would so much rather be outside walking/running.
Summary of the week:
1. I am exhausted, STILL. I can't wait to finally have a sleep machine and start sleeping like a normal person
2. I can't believe I've lost weight. Changing your mindset does wonders!
3. I think my body is going to turn into a sub. I ate Subway A LOT this week!
4. Why did I pay almost $8 for a bag of grapes today?
5. I am wearing a sweatshirt today that I refused to wear in public a month ago. It seriously already fits better!
6. I hope this week doesn't result in a gain.
7. Check out what I made for brunch today!!
Seriously. That whole plate of deliciousness is only 8 points!!
Kodiak Cakes Protein Pancakes (1/2 cup)
1/2 cup Dannon Light and Fit Vanilla flavored Yogurt
2 tbsp PB2
1 banana
I stole this from a fellow WW member that I follow on Instagram - @Ilostbigandsocanyou
So Yummy!!
Here's my latest concerns- I HATE Working out inside. Absolutely hate it. But, with winter finally making an appearance in lower Michigan, do I pay for a Planet Fitness $10 membership and force myself to get to the gym, so that I know I'm working out?
How do people workout in the winter when it's actually snowy and Icy?
What do you do?
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Finding a Routine
Well, I survived the weekend. Making it through the Holidays feels like a big feat. I have had a lot of friends tell me that they were waiting until January 1, or even, tomorrow after the weekend and then they were going to go hard for real.
There's nothing wrong with that.. at all.
I have been at this for quite a while though, and when I really decided that I wasn't going to let PCOS be an excuse for me anymore, I decided I had to start right then and there. And starting over a holiday really made me learn a lot.
What did I learn?
1. I learned that the word "diet" is absolutely the worst word on the planet and should probably be banned from existence.
A diet is so absurd. And I kind of feel insulted when I hear people say they are going to go on a diet, or they need a diet. I have even heard conversations recently about quick fixes, boosters, pills, and all this ridiculousness about using a diet to lose weight.
I want to make something absolutely clear - I am not on a diet. Absolutely not. I am changing my lifestyle, and becoming healthy. That might sound cliche but it is 100% my intention. I want to enjoy chocolate, eat fast food if it's necessary, eat pizza and drink beer while watching football and baseball, eat food and love it. I want to also love the person I see in the mirror, feel confident about the clothes I am wearing, enjoy shopping again, and be able to finish a half-marathon, just to say I did it and feel awesome about myself. PCOS ruins most of those things for me. It makes me feel terrible inside and outside. It makes me question everything about myself, often. It's a terrible demon to fight. But, the purpose of this lifestyle change is ALL OF THAT, to embrace who I am, find a way to love every flaw, feel healthy, enjoy my life, and not let PCOS control any part of me anymore, including my weight.
With that said, I am changing my diet. I am learning to eat healthier foods, and in smaller portion sizes. I am learning to control my emotional eating, and learning to keep loving food and it's purposes, but also using it to my advantage, not disadvantage. I chose Weight Watchers to follow because the program allows you to eat anything. There is no bad food, it's just all food. It all has a different value, and you have to learn to balance your food in take. THAT is what I want, balance.
2. It is the 3rd day of January. The third day of 2016, and I have walked/jogged (exercised) outside THREE times. I have slowly started adding some runs/jogs into my walks and for the first time in a long time, I don't hurt, so I am excited to begin a C25K program again soon. I set a goal to walk/run 1,000 miles this year, but I want to up that goal to 2,000 miles! So far, I am over 12 miles! I can't wait to see how many miles I can actually get myself moving. I also struggle with the cold weather. I HATE wearing a coat, and I hate wearing shoes, let alone boots. Winter time doesn't agree with me. I have decided though to try to embrace this the best I can. By golly, it is flipping freezing out there, Monday, the real feel was 9 degrees and it was snowing when I went for my 3.31 walk. So, today the real feel of 22 degrees felt like summer. Even though, I'm still struggling to warm up! My work schedule makes it pretty impossible to get outside during the day light though, so I'm hoping that I can continue using the weekends to get outside and walk/run.
So... routine. What is that?
Tomorrow morning, I go back to school. I am excited to get myself into a routine, and think it will be easier to keep myself up and on track with one. Being at work keeps me busy. This past week, it was way too easy to be lazy. My sisters both play basketball too, so game nights will be both easy and hard. I want to force myself to leave work early on game days to work out in the high school weight room before games. ( I also struggle with working too much... it's a Teacher thing). I am a little nervous about how I will eat dinner on those nights though. It's so easy to eat concession stand food. I'm going to have to plan strategically to avoid that! The occasional popcorn might be okay though! :)
One last celebration!
THE SCALE FINALLY WENT DOWN!
1 pound lighter today than I was on my first weigh in date! I'll take what I can get.
Sundays will be my official weigh in days, so we'll check back in a week!
I am hoping and praying that I will be able to pick up my sleep machine this week! Sleep will make me feel like a whole new person, and I can't wait to feel all the energy it will give me!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE feel free to connect with me, I would love to help, and support each other. We are in this together! You've got this! Facebook , Twitter, EMAIL
You've got this! We've got this!
There's nothing wrong with that.. at all.
I have been at this for quite a while though, and when I really decided that I wasn't going to let PCOS be an excuse for me anymore, I decided I had to start right then and there. And starting over a holiday really made me learn a lot.
What did I learn?
1. I learned that the word "diet" is absolutely the worst word on the planet and should probably be banned from existence.
A diet is so absurd. And I kind of feel insulted when I hear people say they are going to go on a diet, or they need a diet. I have even heard conversations recently about quick fixes, boosters, pills, and all this ridiculousness about using a diet to lose weight.
I want to make something absolutely clear - I am not on a diet. Absolutely not. I am changing my lifestyle, and becoming healthy. That might sound cliche but it is 100% my intention. I want to enjoy chocolate, eat fast food if it's necessary, eat pizza and drink beer while watching football and baseball, eat food and love it. I want to also love the person I see in the mirror, feel confident about the clothes I am wearing, enjoy shopping again, and be able to finish a half-marathon, just to say I did it and feel awesome about myself. PCOS ruins most of those things for me. It makes me feel terrible inside and outside. It makes me question everything about myself, often. It's a terrible demon to fight. But, the purpose of this lifestyle change is ALL OF THAT, to embrace who I am, find a way to love every flaw, feel healthy, enjoy my life, and not let PCOS control any part of me anymore, including my weight.
With that said, I am changing my diet. I am learning to eat healthier foods, and in smaller portion sizes. I am learning to control my emotional eating, and learning to keep loving food and it's purposes, but also using it to my advantage, not disadvantage. I chose Weight Watchers to follow because the program allows you to eat anything. There is no bad food, it's just all food. It all has a different value, and you have to learn to balance your food in take. THAT is what I want, balance.
2. It is the 3rd day of January. The third day of 2016, and I have walked/jogged (exercised) outside THREE times. I have slowly started adding some runs/jogs into my walks and for the first time in a long time, I don't hurt, so I am excited to begin a C25K program again soon. I set a goal to walk/run 1,000 miles this year, but I want to up that goal to 2,000 miles! So far, I am over 12 miles! I can't wait to see how many miles I can actually get myself moving. I also struggle with the cold weather. I HATE wearing a coat, and I hate wearing shoes, let alone boots. Winter time doesn't agree with me. I have decided though to try to embrace this the best I can. By golly, it is flipping freezing out there, Monday, the real feel was 9 degrees and it was snowing when I went for my 3.31 walk. So, today the real feel of 22 degrees felt like summer. Even though, I'm still struggling to warm up! My work schedule makes it pretty impossible to get outside during the day light though, so I'm hoping that I can continue using the weekends to get outside and walk/run.
So... routine. What is that?
Tomorrow morning, I go back to school. I am excited to get myself into a routine, and think it will be easier to keep myself up and on track with one. Being at work keeps me busy. This past week, it was way too easy to be lazy. My sisters both play basketball too, so game nights will be both easy and hard. I want to force myself to leave work early on game days to work out in the high school weight room before games. ( I also struggle with working too much... it's a Teacher thing). I am a little nervous about how I will eat dinner on those nights though. It's so easy to eat concession stand food. I'm going to have to plan strategically to avoid that! The occasional popcorn might be okay though! :)
One last celebration!
THE SCALE FINALLY WENT DOWN!
1 pound lighter today than I was on my first weigh in date! I'll take what I can get.
Sundays will be my official weigh in days, so we'll check back in a week!
I am hoping and praying that I will be able to pick up my sleep machine this week! Sleep will make me feel like a whole new person, and I can't wait to feel all the energy it will give me!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE feel free to connect with me, I would love to help, and support each other. We are in this together! You've got this! Facebook , Twitter, EMAIL
You've got this! We've got this!
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