Let me first state a few disclaimers...
I don't want to write this post, but something is pulling me towards it...
I don't want to continue this blog... what's the point? But, something is pulling me towards it....
I don't want to continue writing about negative things and pissy problems...
But, that's my life... and isn't this supposed to be about my life?
** BIGGEST DISCLAIMER**
This blog is for me, about me, for me, about me, for me.
It is not about any one person or persons in my life. My point of writing anything in this blog is FOR me. It's about ME.
Please please please please for the love of all that is holy, do NOT think that I am writing about anyone in my life specifically, EVER, or that I am trying to discredit anything that anyone else does.
This is about my perceptions, my issues, my thoughts, my struggles.
ONLY.
Dear God, please don't think otherwise.
I am a strong believer in the ideal that your own perception of yourself leads to your perceptions from others around you. If you feel shitty about yourself, then other people will help feed that shitty feeling. It's not necessarily that they are making you feel shitty, it's just that you're carrying that aura, and it doesn't matter what they do or say, you're going to continue to feel shitty.
I am also a strong believer in the idea that sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do or say. You can be the biggest supporter, strongest strength, and most positive outlook, but if someone isn't ready to hear the things you're trying to say, they won't hear them.
That's a hard concept to understand, to comprehend, and to remember....
But that's not why I'm writing tonight.
I'm writing because, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated as hell.
So, this post is strictly about my frustrations..
Maybe the reason I need to write this post, is because someday, if I ever get there, I'm going to need to look back on these frustrations and feel humbled by them. Hell if I know. But, maybe.
1. I'm frustrated with people who have normal jobs. People who can work their hours at their workplace, and leave work on time, get paid hourly for the work they do, and then go home and live their lives.
I am SO stressed out at work, about work, for work, regarding work. I work 12 hour days, and get paid for 8. I am constantly, 100% of my time thinking about at least 55 different children all day long. I pray for them, I worry for them, I think of them, I cry for them, I just think of them. They are always on my mind. Always. Every single kid I have ever touched. All day long. That's so emotionally draining.
I leave work late, I miss family events, I have ZERO friends, I can't date. What do I have to offer someone? All I do is work. Because, when I do get home, finally from work, I sit down and do more work, or think about work, or talk about work.
It controls my life.
How do I, as a newer teacher, find that balance?
I don't know...
It's frustrating.
Why can't I leave for lunch? Why can't I even have time to eat lunch? Why can't I take a sick day when I'm feeling like death? Why can't I take a vacation day on a Friday? Why can't I check social media, catch up with my friends, and meet people for lunch?
It's frustrating to me that other people take those things for granted.
I LOVE my career. I love teaching. I love kids. It is what I am most passionate about in this world. I cannot imagine living a life any different. But, I do need to find a balance. I do need to not let it control my life, and I do wish that I could have a normal job sometimes.
2. I am frustrated with people who just don't eat.
How do people function without food? How do they just go all day without eating? Why is it okay for them to go without food, and lose weight and stay the same weight, and still be able to function? If I could, I would starve myself, too. Gosh, doesn't that sound easy. I don't need to eat, I have enough fat on me. But, my body doesn't function. I don't have energy needed to function without food. I get lightheaded and dizzy. It's a good thing. I guess, I would rather be full of overall health, anyway. But, it's frustrating.
3. I am frustrated that I can't sleep.
I'm not sleeping. In fact, some nights, it's worse than it's ever been. My sleep apnea is taking a toll on my body that it hasn't taken before. I find myself almost falling asleep during the day. I find myself wanting to sleep all the time. I find myself ready for bed at 6:00 PM. I find myself not wanting to do anything social (not that I ever get asked anyway, because I have no friends and no life), because I'm just too tired.
This is not my choice. This is not be staying up late because I'm a night owl. This is not me staying up late to do work, or watch tv, or play games, or drink, or hang out with people. This is my body not being able to sleep.
I can't keep my mask on. I can't meet compliance. I can't sleep. I can't move with the mask on which is stressing me out. I can't use the $56 pillow that I bought. What the hell is the point of that thing anyway? Seriously. I need to make pillows and charge $60 for them. People would buy them.
I just want to sleep.
I want to sleep like a normal person.
I want to have my memory back.
I want to have my energy back.
I want to be able to function all day long.
I want to be happy again.
4. I am frustrated that no one knows.
I have lost over 30 pounds. (Well, kind of.. see next frustration) ...
I have worked my ass off. A lot harder than the average person due to the world working against me.
I saw my aunt and cousin over the weekend. It wasn't planned. Ran into them on my solo vacation.
I haven't seen either of them since Christmas. At Christmas, I was in a bad state of mind. I was frustrated because I wasn't losing weight, and I had a bad attitude. I've lost almost 22 pounds since they saw me at Christmas.
They didn't notice.
No one can tell.
It's not doing anything for me.
I know that I am losing weight for myself. It's for me. I know that. But, it's frustrating that no one can tell. It's frustrating that I can't get one compliment. EVER.
5. I am frustrated that my body sucks.
I lost almost 8 pounds when I got the flu. I have gained every singly pound back. Every. Single. Pound. Almost over night. And that's not an exaggeration. As soon as I put any kind of food into my body, I gained it all right back. I can't lose a single pound since then. Since getting sick.
I am exhausted. I am emotionally drained. I tried to give my body rest time without working out, and I waited. I've gotten my steps, I've taken the stairs, I've walked more, I'm worked out, I've tracked my food intake. Still gaining it all back again.
Again.
Here I go again.
This weekend, I consumed a lot of bad food, and a lot of beer. I deserved it. I needed a break. I needed a vacation. I needed some time with me. Away. In a different place. So, I gave myself that. I didn't eat all day long. But, I didn't eat great, and I didn't track my food. And I drank a lot of beer.
I knew it would be bad. But, I did not expect to see the number on the scale that I saw when I stepped on it yesterday morning.
My body fucking sucks.
So, yesterday, I drank a meal replacement shake for breakfast, Chicken Noodle Soup for lunch, and subway for dinner. I worked out after work, even though I had a horrible headache and was tired. I drank water all day. I even drank a herbal cleanse fiber drink.
What did it do for me?
I was constipated instead of cleaned out.
I gained another 2.2 pounds over night.
My body fucking sucks.
So, what did I do today?
I ate McDonald's for breakfast, Girl Scout Cookies for lunch, and Pizza for dinner. I ate candy from the store, and a whole ton of junk, and birthday cake to top it off.
I said Fuck it.
If I'm going to keep gaining weight, I might as well enjoy food along the way.
Was that the right thing to do? Probably not.
But
I am SO frustrated.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know the answers.
All I do know is that it's not fair.
It's not fair that other people can lose weight easily. It's not fair that other people can lose weight and get compliments. It's not fair that other people don't have the stresses of their jobs that I do. It's not fair that my body responds so differently than the "norm".
It's not fair.
It fucking sucks.
But...
It is what it is.
I have to find a way to work my way back ...
I can't give up like I have done every other damn time.
I can't.
I can't vision anything for myself except being fat.
I can't envision a life any different.
It's not happening for me like it is for other people.
6. I am frustrated that I've reached this point.
I can't explain this to people. I don't say these things to get a pitty party. I say these things because they are true and honest. They are what's happening.
And I don't know what to do.
I don't.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be feel this way.
But I do.
Please don't tell me to keep trying.
Please don't tell me that it will get better.
Please don't tell me that I need to work harder.
Please don't.
Don't judge me because you can starve yourself and lose 5 pounds.
Don't judge me because you can go for a run and maintain your weight.
Don't judge me because you can spend your weekends drinking and not have to worry about it.
Don't judge me because you don't have any idea what it's like to be in my body.
I am just so mad. So sad. So frustrated.
I won't be winning my diet bet for February. I don't even have the energy to pack a lunch as we speak. I don't know what to do. I'm just frustrated.
Anyone have tips for this stupid CPAP mask?
Anyone take anything to help them fall asleep at night?
I'm frustrated.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Checking in
It's been a while since I've written a post.
There's a few reasons.
1. I feel like a failure, and have had a pretty rough time with this journey the past few weeks.
2. There's a reason that I don't usually talk about my daily struggles with others -
3. I have increasingly been discovering that I struggle to talk about my fears, frustrations, and struggles without other people being angry with me, or thinking that I'm arguing, being negative, or being rude. I never purposely would want someone to think those things about me. It's hard. If you don't actually experience the daily struggles that I do with this disease, I suppose it is truly impossible to completely understand. People try. My friends are great. My family is the best. They try. But, to be completely honest, I feel like the more I try to talk about my struggles, fears, and failures, the more people get frustrated with me and it turns into me feeling more frustrated. I don't try to argue with people when they say things like "It will get better." or "It's okay".
No. It's not okay, and No. It's not going to get better.
I don't say those things to be rude or disrespectful to your support. I say those things because it's simply not true. There is NO cure for PCOS. Some women find ways to help them cope differently than others. I am not there yet. But, there is no cure. There is nothing I can do that will make these things completely go away. I can't just starve myself for a day or a week, and lose some weight. I can't take some diet pills, or use some commercial program that offers pills, shakes, programs, etc.. It is not possible. My body does not respond. My body will not accept them. In fact, most of the time, those things make my weight control worse. Not better. I'm so happy that those things can work for others. I'm not knocking the people who use them at all.
My two best friends have lost weight in ways that work for them. One of them started by using a pill, and working out every day. One of them consistently uses Advocare. I have seen both of them make amazing changes in their lives. They are healthier, happier, and they were successful using whatever worked for them and their lives. They faced struggles, got back up again, and continued. Nothing is easy. It's all hard work. But, their programs worked for them.
I can't do either. My body won't let me.
So, when people say to me, "Just keep trying", I really just want to punch them in their fucking faces. Because, I have been trying. I am trying. I try EVERY DAMN DAY of my life. Every day is a struggle. Every day is a battle, and sometimes, I'm lucky enough to feel like I'm winning that battle, or doing something good, but a lot of the time still, I feel like I'm losing a battle, and continuing to fight uphill as it gets harder and harder to make any strides.
If you think that just because I'm struggling, and want to complain about my fucked up body to you, that that means I'm not trying, then please don't even bother.
Because, even if I indulge in a Reese's Peanut Butter cup that day, I'm still trying. I'm human. I need a healthy relationship with food. It's hard to have though, because a normal person can eat a candy bar, work out, and feel fine. I eat a candy bar, work out double, and gain 1.2 pounds over night. I'm not even joking, either.
Oh well. It is what it is. Right?
I hide these things from so many people in my life. I don't let them know what's really going on, because who wants to hear me complain for an hour and I'm sure they're just looking at me like I'm making excuses and being lazy and that I don't really want to work for it? I don't know.. that's how I feel people's perceptions of me are when I want to talk about it. Maybe I just don't know how to find the words to talk about it without sounding like a whiny little bitch? I don't know? Maybe it's me. But, for the love of God, there's a reason why I keep those things bottled up inside of me. Other people simply don't understand what it's like. And, I don't know how to explain it without making other people angry.
I found this article on Pinterest.
http://www.pcosdietsupport.com/pcos-awareness/10-things-a-woman-with-pcos-would-like-you-to-know/
....and I wanted to bring it into my blog post because I think it did a good job of explaining some things that I don't do well of explaining...
1. This disease impacts so much more than my ovaries. In fact, my doctor is pleased with the way my ovaries have responded to birth control, and thinks that I will be okay when I try to have babies. Although, my ovaries still have cysts, they still burst, and they still try to kill me occasionally.
2. I MAY BE OVERWEIGHT BUT ITS NOT BECAUSE OF A LACK IN EFFORT
"Some people may look at me and think I’m lazy, that I really should stop eating so much or that I don’t care about the way that I look. That’s simply not true. Don’t judge me because of my size.
4. SOMETIMES I JUST CAN'T HELP IT
I know I'm acting crazy some days, and I know I am irrational. I know that I say the wrong things, appear argumentative, or unappreciative. I wish I could control that. Mood swings are real, and they are out of my control. I try my best to work on it. I really do. Please know that I don't ever intend to appear bitchy towards you. I don't blame any person for this. I really just can't help it. I'm working on it.
5. I am determined.
PCOS makes me feel ugly. PCOS makes me feel unattractive. PCOS makes me feel like there will never be a man on this planet who is ever able to fall in love with me. That's the cold hard truth. Dating terrifies me. 9 times out of 10, if I even find someone remotely interested in me, I make up a reason in my head that I can't get close to him, because I don't want to have a discussion about my facial hair, weird hormonal imbalances, and cysts on my ovaries that occasionally, without warning, just explode and world war 3 happens inside my body.
BUT,
I'm not giving up. Just because PCOS does all of those ugly things to me, it doesn't mean I'm defeated. I refuse to let PCOS define who I am as a person.
6. I DO appreciate you and love you.
Thank you for loving me despite my flaws. Thank you for sticking with me despite my mood swings, depression, anxiety, stress levels, and frustrations. I promise I appreciate you. I promise I love you. I promise just being there for me is enough. You don't have to understand what I'm going through. Just loving me is all I need. So, thank you.
Okay so let's check in on the journey...
I started my second diet bet. I've gained some weight. Lost a few pounds again, and gained some more. I've been extremely frustrated. I had an entire cheat weekend. I ate whatever I wanted, didn't track a single piece of food, and drank a lot of beer. I did still get 10,000 steps Friday and Saturday, and went for a run/walk to Lake Michigan in the snow. But, I didn't eat well.
And I gained 3 pounds back.
It's very frustrating to continue facing these battles of up and down. I worked out hard on Monday, and still didn't lose a single pound Tuesday morning.
I got sick around 12:30 yesterday afternoon, and spent 16 hours puking or pooping once at least every 40 minutes. I can't eat anything, and I'm currently trying to force myself to drink some diet coke because I have such a bad headache. I'm hoping the caffeine will help kill that. If I can keep it down.
Over night, I lost 7 pounds. SEVEN.
I don't know how I even have anything left inside of me, but it keeps coming.
With no appetite.
I know I will gain those 7 pounds back, and that stresses me out.
Because, obviously I need rest. My body needs to make a full recovery.
So, How long do I wait until I just go for it? I try to eat? I try to workout?
Being sick was certainly not part of the plan.
I wish I could say that I am sleeping. I am not. It's awful. I can't keep my mask on for even the 4 hour compliance time each night. Some nights, I remember taking it off- usually when the pressure is too high and I freak out. Other nights, I have no idea when or why I took it off. The mask freaks me out. I can't fall asleep, no matter how tired I actually am. And, so it just begins another horrible cycle of sleepless nights.
I am finding that my Sleep Apnea symptoms are becoming worse though.
1. I have a shit memory, which pisses me off, because I've always had a good memory.
2. I am waking up with killer headaches every day. No one wants to start their day with a headache.
3.I am exhausted. I physically and emotionally cannot function. It is not good.
I am hoping that I can get into the doctor to see if there is any medication they can give to me to help me to actually fall asleep and help the anxiety I have about the mask. I didn't ever think I was claustrophobic before, but it's really not comfortable. :(
I have finally reached the 30 pound mark. In fact, I am almost half way between 30 and the 40 pound mark. This is great news. I know it is. It's a good feeling to have lost almost 40 pounds. Reaching that 40 pound mark will put me at the lowest weight I've been in years. and I mean lots of years. I am so close to seeing numbers I've never dreamed I would see again. But, it's so hard to find that to be something I can celebrate and I know that's hard for others to understand. I've lost over 30 pounds, why am I not happy about that?
I've lost weight before.
And every single time, I've gained it back.
Every. Single. Time.
So, losing this weight IS great. I know it is. But, I still have doubts and fears about when my body will just say it's done.
I still wonder when I will just "give up" enough that I don't continue as strong anymore because facing defeat over and over again is hard. It's shitty, actually.
I also know 100% that I am doing this for me. For me to find happiness in my health. For me to feel like my weight isn't restricting my ability to live my life. That is why I am working so hard at this.
To be honest, If someone doesn't like me because I'm fat, then that's their problem. They're missing out on one hell of a person. I'm pretty awesome, and I have a lot to offer someone in a friendship, relationship, whatever... So, if my waist size, and a number on the scale are all it takes for you to give up on me, then I don't really care.
With that said, it's still hurtful. I still fear that people will feel that way. It still hurts my feelings I'm still told things that make me wonder how people are so compassion-less.
I was recently told, "you're not fat. You just need to eat more fruit. Eat more fruit, and less meat."
Are you kidding me?
What does that even mean?
Why would someone say that?
And, bitch... I eat too much fruit.
No. I'm not skinny. Yes. I have a lot of weight to lose.
Yes, I have a lot of fat on my body.
And even though, no one around me can notice that I've lost over 3o flipping pounds, I have. I'm on one hell of a journey. Everyone carries their weight differently. If you can lose 70 pounds in less than a year, and people notice. Great. I am happy for you and your success. But, I lose 30 pounds, and get ZERO recognition of it. None.
That's frustrating. It's hurtful, and it can set me back.
Someone also recently said to me, "you've lost 17 pounds?? Holy smokes".
Yes. I had lost 17 pounds in the month of January. Thanks for letting me know that I am so fat, that you can't even tell that I lost almost double the recommended amount of weight loss in a month.
How do I learn to be less concerned with these comments? How do I not let this hurt me? How do I continue to be 100% invested only in myself and not so concerned about other people noticing?
I guess I just need to lean a little more on my faith...
and let life take it's time...
and give it 12 weeks. Do it for me.
I'm 6 weeks in. 6 weeks away from giving this a real shot.
I'm not giving up.
I'm frustrated. But, I'm not giving up.
There's a few reasons.
1. I feel like a failure, and have had a pretty rough time with this journey the past few weeks.
2. There's a reason that I don't usually talk about my daily struggles with others -
3. I have increasingly been discovering that I struggle to talk about my fears, frustrations, and struggles without other people being angry with me, or thinking that I'm arguing, being negative, or being rude. I never purposely would want someone to think those things about me. It's hard. If you don't actually experience the daily struggles that I do with this disease, I suppose it is truly impossible to completely understand. People try. My friends are great. My family is the best. They try. But, to be completely honest, I feel like the more I try to talk about my struggles, fears, and failures, the more people get frustrated with me and it turns into me feeling more frustrated. I don't try to argue with people when they say things like "It will get better." or "It's okay".
No. It's not okay, and No. It's not going to get better.
I don't say those things to be rude or disrespectful to your support. I say those things because it's simply not true. There is NO cure for PCOS. Some women find ways to help them cope differently than others. I am not there yet. But, there is no cure. There is nothing I can do that will make these things completely go away. I can't just starve myself for a day or a week, and lose some weight. I can't take some diet pills, or use some commercial program that offers pills, shakes, programs, etc.. It is not possible. My body does not respond. My body will not accept them. In fact, most of the time, those things make my weight control worse. Not better. I'm so happy that those things can work for others. I'm not knocking the people who use them at all.
My two best friends have lost weight in ways that work for them. One of them started by using a pill, and working out every day. One of them consistently uses Advocare. I have seen both of them make amazing changes in their lives. They are healthier, happier, and they were successful using whatever worked for them and their lives. They faced struggles, got back up again, and continued. Nothing is easy. It's all hard work. But, their programs worked for them.
I can't do either. My body won't let me.
So, when people say to me, "Just keep trying", I really just want to punch them in their fucking faces. Because, I have been trying. I am trying. I try EVERY DAMN DAY of my life. Every day is a struggle. Every day is a battle, and sometimes, I'm lucky enough to feel like I'm winning that battle, or doing something good, but a lot of the time still, I feel like I'm losing a battle, and continuing to fight uphill as it gets harder and harder to make any strides.
If you think that just because I'm struggling, and want to complain about my fucked up body to you, that that means I'm not trying, then please don't even bother.
Because, even if I indulge in a Reese's Peanut Butter cup that day, I'm still trying. I'm human. I need a healthy relationship with food. It's hard to have though, because a normal person can eat a candy bar, work out, and feel fine. I eat a candy bar, work out double, and gain 1.2 pounds over night. I'm not even joking, either.
Oh well. It is what it is. Right?
I hide these things from so many people in my life. I don't let them know what's really going on, because who wants to hear me complain for an hour and I'm sure they're just looking at me like I'm making excuses and being lazy and that I don't really want to work for it? I don't know.. that's how I feel people's perceptions of me are when I want to talk about it. Maybe I just don't know how to find the words to talk about it without sounding like a whiny little bitch? I don't know? Maybe it's me. But, for the love of God, there's a reason why I keep those things bottled up inside of me. Other people simply don't understand what it's like. And, I don't know how to explain it without making other people angry.
I found this article on Pinterest.
http://www.pcosdietsupport.com/pcos-awareness/10-things-a-woman-with-pcos-would-like-you-to-know/
....and I wanted to bring it into my blog post because I think it did a good job of explaining some things that I don't do well of explaining...
1. This disease impacts so much more than my ovaries. In fact, my doctor is pleased with the way my ovaries have responded to birth control, and thinks that I will be okay when I try to have babies. Although, my ovaries still have cysts, they still burst, and they still try to kill me occasionally.
2. I MAY BE OVERWEIGHT BUT ITS NOT BECAUSE OF A LACK IN EFFORT
"Some people may look at me and think I’m lazy, that I really should stop eating so much or that I don’t care about the way that I look. That’s simply not true. Don’t judge me because of my size.
PCOS makes it so easy for me to gain weight and losing it again is a constant struggle. I am often careful about what I eat and am mindful that what I put in my body is either helpful or harmful. So, please cut me some slack. I may be overweight but I’m working on it."
3. PCOS is not curable4. SOMETIMES I JUST CAN'T HELP IT
I know I'm acting crazy some days, and I know I am irrational. I know that I say the wrong things, appear argumentative, or unappreciative. I wish I could control that. Mood swings are real, and they are out of my control. I try my best to work on it. I really do. Please know that I don't ever intend to appear bitchy towards you. I don't blame any person for this. I really just can't help it. I'm working on it.
5. I am determined.
PCOS makes me feel ugly. PCOS makes me feel unattractive. PCOS makes me feel like there will never be a man on this planet who is ever able to fall in love with me. That's the cold hard truth. Dating terrifies me. 9 times out of 10, if I even find someone remotely interested in me, I make up a reason in my head that I can't get close to him, because I don't want to have a discussion about my facial hair, weird hormonal imbalances, and cysts on my ovaries that occasionally, without warning, just explode and world war 3 happens inside my body.
BUT,
I'm not giving up. Just because PCOS does all of those ugly things to me, it doesn't mean I'm defeated. I refuse to let PCOS define who I am as a person.
6. I DO appreciate you and love you.
Thank you for loving me despite my flaws. Thank you for sticking with me despite my mood swings, depression, anxiety, stress levels, and frustrations. I promise I appreciate you. I promise I love you. I promise just being there for me is enough. You don't have to understand what I'm going through. Just loving me is all I need. So, thank you.
Okay so let's check in on the journey...
I started my second diet bet. I've gained some weight. Lost a few pounds again, and gained some more. I've been extremely frustrated. I had an entire cheat weekend. I ate whatever I wanted, didn't track a single piece of food, and drank a lot of beer. I did still get 10,000 steps Friday and Saturday, and went for a run/walk to Lake Michigan in the snow. But, I didn't eat well.
And I gained 3 pounds back.
It's very frustrating to continue facing these battles of up and down. I worked out hard on Monday, and still didn't lose a single pound Tuesday morning.
I got sick around 12:30 yesterday afternoon, and spent 16 hours puking or pooping once at least every 40 minutes. I can't eat anything, and I'm currently trying to force myself to drink some diet coke because I have such a bad headache. I'm hoping the caffeine will help kill that. If I can keep it down.
Over night, I lost 7 pounds. SEVEN.
I don't know how I even have anything left inside of me, but it keeps coming.
With no appetite.
I know I will gain those 7 pounds back, and that stresses me out.
Because, obviously I need rest. My body needs to make a full recovery.
So, How long do I wait until I just go for it? I try to eat? I try to workout?
Being sick was certainly not part of the plan.
I wish I could say that I am sleeping. I am not. It's awful. I can't keep my mask on for even the 4 hour compliance time each night. Some nights, I remember taking it off- usually when the pressure is too high and I freak out. Other nights, I have no idea when or why I took it off. The mask freaks me out. I can't fall asleep, no matter how tired I actually am. And, so it just begins another horrible cycle of sleepless nights.
I am finding that my Sleep Apnea symptoms are becoming worse though.
1. I have a shit memory, which pisses me off, because I've always had a good memory.
2. I am waking up with killer headaches every day. No one wants to start their day with a headache.
3.I am exhausted. I physically and emotionally cannot function. It is not good.
I am hoping that I can get into the doctor to see if there is any medication they can give to me to help me to actually fall asleep and help the anxiety I have about the mask. I didn't ever think I was claustrophobic before, but it's really not comfortable. :(
I have finally reached the 30 pound mark. In fact, I am almost half way between 30 and the 40 pound mark. This is great news. I know it is. It's a good feeling to have lost almost 40 pounds. Reaching that 40 pound mark will put me at the lowest weight I've been in years. and I mean lots of years. I am so close to seeing numbers I've never dreamed I would see again. But, it's so hard to find that to be something I can celebrate and I know that's hard for others to understand. I've lost over 30 pounds, why am I not happy about that?
I've lost weight before.
And every single time, I've gained it back.
Every. Single. Time.
So, losing this weight IS great. I know it is. But, I still have doubts and fears about when my body will just say it's done.
I still wonder when I will just "give up" enough that I don't continue as strong anymore because facing defeat over and over again is hard. It's shitty, actually.
I also know 100% that I am doing this for me. For me to find happiness in my health. For me to feel like my weight isn't restricting my ability to live my life. That is why I am working so hard at this.
To be honest, If someone doesn't like me because I'm fat, then that's their problem. They're missing out on one hell of a person. I'm pretty awesome, and I have a lot to offer someone in a friendship, relationship, whatever... So, if my waist size, and a number on the scale are all it takes for you to give up on me, then I don't really care.
With that said, it's still hurtful. I still fear that people will feel that way. It still hurts my feelings I'm still told things that make me wonder how people are so compassion-less.
I was recently told, "you're not fat. You just need to eat more fruit. Eat more fruit, and less meat."
Are you kidding me?
What does that even mean?
Why would someone say that?
And, bitch... I eat too much fruit.
No. I'm not skinny. Yes. I have a lot of weight to lose.
Yes, I have a lot of fat on my body.
And even though, no one around me can notice that I've lost over 3o flipping pounds, I have. I'm on one hell of a journey. Everyone carries their weight differently. If you can lose 70 pounds in less than a year, and people notice. Great. I am happy for you and your success. But, I lose 30 pounds, and get ZERO recognition of it. None.
That's frustrating. It's hurtful, and it can set me back.
Someone also recently said to me, "you've lost 17 pounds?? Holy smokes".
Yes. I had lost 17 pounds in the month of January. Thanks for letting me know that I am so fat, that you can't even tell that I lost almost double the recommended amount of weight loss in a month.
How do I learn to be less concerned with these comments? How do I not let this hurt me? How do I continue to be 100% invested only in myself and not so concerned about other people noticing?
I guess I just need to lean a little more on my faith...
and let life take it's time...
and give it 12 weeks. Do it for me.
I'm 6 weeks in. 6 weeks away from giving this a real shot.
I'm not giving up.
I'm frustrated. But, I'm not giving up.
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