Damn you, PCOS

I used to think something was seriously wrong with me. Which would turn into more self-hate.
But, I have gone through these periods where everything is fine, I am happy, and content, and then BOOM, nothing feels like it can go right. I don't want to say I slip into a depression, because it isn't always that serious. I used to fight this, and think that there was something wrong - why couldn't I just pull myself out. I mean, everyone has struggles, but they cope and deal with it. Why can't I?

Then, as I started accepting my diagnosis of PCOS, I started learning that maybe there wasn't something all that wrong with me (besides the norm) and that it was the PCOS to blame. I couldn't control it. It was the imbalance in my body that was overtaking everything else I was working towards.
It doesn't make it easier... but it doesn't make me hate myself quite as much anymore...

I'm in the depression right now.

I finally lost some weight. It doesn't make a difference.. I still look the same, I still wear the same clothes, I can't take a cute selfie to make myself feel better about my face, I still look the same. But, I've lost some pounds, and that's better than where I was 3.5 weeks ago.

But, I've lost weight before. I've been able to lose pounds. And I get to about this point, and they start coming right back to me. They don't want to be lost anymore, I guess. It's the cycle I've known all my life.
I keep trying to change that. I've tried positive thinking, I've tried envisioning myself reaching certain weights and sizes. I've tried. EVERY DAY.
But, today, I stepped on the scale, and I gained.
I did everything I'm supposed to be doing.
I stay within my points.
I exercise.
I obsess over 10,000 steps a day and winning challenges.
And, I still am gaining.
Still.
So, is this where the cycle begins again?
Is this where my body says "haha, just kidding. you can't really lose weight after all"?


That's what it feels like...
I'm defeated.
I'm nervous..

And everyone around me continues to have success.... everyone around me is getting those compliments, is continuing to work hard, BUT actually seeing results.
And here I am, starting the cycle again, where I'm gaining.

So, Damn you, PCOS.
Go away.
You aren't welcome.
You're ruining my life.