I'm frustrated

Let me first state a few disclaimers...

I don't want to write this post, but something is pulling me towards it...

I don't want to continue this blog... what's the point? But, something is pulling me towards it....

I don't want to continue writing about negative things and pissy problems...
But, that's my life... and isn't this supposed to be about my life?

** BIGGEST DISCLAIMER**
This blog is for me, about me, for me, about me, for me.
It is not about any one person or persons in my life. My point of writing anything in this blog is FOR me. It's about ME.
Please please please please for the love of all that is holy, do NOT think that I am writing about anyone in my life specifically, EVER, or that I am trying to discredit anything that anyone else does.
This is about my perceptions, my issues, my thoughts, my struggles.
ONLY.
Dear God, please don't think otherwise.

I am a strong believer in the ideal that your own perception of yourself leads to your perceptions from others around you. If you feel shitty about yourself, then other people will help feed that shitty feeling. It's not necessarily that they are making you feel shitty, it's just that you're carrying that aura, and it doesn't matter what they do or say, you're going to continue to feel shitty.

I am also a strong believer in the idea that sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do or say. You can be the biggest supporter, strongest strength, and most positive outlook, but if someone isn't ready to hear the things you're trying to say, they won't hear them.
That's a hard concept to understand, to comprehend, and to remember....


But that's not why I'm writing tonight.

I'm writing because, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated as hell.

So, this post is strictly about my frustrations..
Maybe the reason I need to write this post, is because someday, if I ever get there, I'm going to need to look back on these frustrations and feel humbled by them. Hell if I know. But, maybe.


1. I'm frustrated with people who have normal jobs. People who can work their hours at their workplace, and leave work on time, get paid hourly for the work they do, and then go home and live their lives.
I am SO stressed out at work, about work, for work, regarding work. I work 12 hour days, and get paid for 8. I am constantly, 100% of my time thinking about at least 55 different children all day long. I pray for them, I worry for them, I think of them, I cry for them, I just think of them. They are always on my mind. Always. Every single kid I have ever touched. All day long. That's so emotionally draining.
I leave work late, I miss family events, I have ZERO friends, I can't date. What do I have to offer someone? All I do is work. Because, when I do get home, finally from work, I sit down and do more work, or think about work, or talk about work.
It controls my life.
How do I, as a newer teacher, find that balance?
I don't know...
It's frustrating.
Why can't I leave for lunch? Why can't I even have time to eat lunch? Why can't I take a sick day when I'm feeling like death? Why can't I take a vacation day on a Friday? Why can't I check social media, catch up with my friends, and meet people for lunch?
It's frustrating to me that other people take those things for granted.
I LOVE my career. I love teaching. I love kids. It is what I am most passionate about in this world. I cannot imagine living a life any different. But, I do need to find a balance. I do need to not let it control my life, and I do wish that I could have a normal job sometimes.

2. I am frustrated with people who just don't eat. 
How do people function without food? How do they just go all day without eating? Why is it okay for them to go without food, and lose weight and stay the same weight, and still be able to function? If I could, I would starve myself, too. Gosh, doesn't that sound easy. I don't need to eat, I have enough fat on me. But, my body doesn't function. I don't have energy needed to function without food. I get lightheaded and dizzy. It's a good thing. I guess, I would rather be full of overall health, anyway. But, it's frustrating.

3. I am frustrated that I can't sleep.
I'm not sleeping. In fact, some nights, it's worse than it's ever been. My sleep apnea is taking a toll on my body that it hasn't taken before. I find myself almost falling asleep during the day. I find myself wanting to sleep all the time. I find myself ready for bed at 6:00 PM. I find myself not wanting to do anything social (not that I ever get asked anyway, because I have no friends and no life), because I'm just too tired.
This is not my choice. This is not be staying up late because I'm a night owl. This is not me staying up late to do work, or watch tv, or play games, or drink, or hang out with people. This is my body not being able to sleep.
I can't keep my mask on. I can't meet compliance. I can't sleep. I can't move with the mask on which is stressing me out. I can't use the $56 pillow that I bought. What the hell is the point of that thing anyway? Seriously. I need to make pillows and charge $60 for them. People would buy them.
I just want to sleep.
I want to sleep like a normal person.
I want to have my memory back.
I want to have my energy back.
I want to be able to function all day long.
I want to be happy again.


4. I am frustrated that no one knows.
I have lost over 30 pounds. (Well, kind of.. see next frustration) ...
I have worked my ass off. A lot harder than the average person due to the world working against me.
I saw my aunt and cousin over the weekend. It wasn't planned. Ran into them on my solo vacation.
I haven't seen either of them since Christmas. At Christmas, I was in a bad state of mind. I was frustrated because I wasn't losing weight, and I had a bad attitude. I've lost almost 22 pounds since they saw me at Christmas.
They didn't notice.
No one can tell.
It's not doing anything for me.
I know that I am losing weight for myself. It's for me. I know that. But, it's frustrating that no one can tell. It's frustrating that I can't get one compliment. EVER.

5. I am frustrated that my body sucks.
I lost almost 8 pounds when I got the flu. I have gained every singly pound back. Every. Single. Pound. Almost over night. And that's not an exaggeration. As soon as I put any kind of food into my body, I gained it all right back. I can't lose a single pound since then. Since getting sick.
I am exhausted. I am emotionally drained. I tried to give my body rest time without working out, and I waited. I've gotten my steps, I've taken the stairs, I've walked more, I'm worked out, I've tracked my food intake. Still gaining it all back again.
 Again.
Here I go again.


This weekend, I consumed a lot of bad food, and a lot of beer. I deserved it. I needed a break. I needed a vacation. I needed some time with me. Away. In a different place. So, I gave myself that. I didn't eat all day long. But, I didn't eat great, and I didn't track my food. And I drank a lot of beer.
I knew it would be bad. But, I did not expect to see the number on the scale that I saw when I stepped on it yesterday morning.

My body fucking sucks.

So, yesterday, I drank a meal replacement shake for breakfast, Chicken Noodle Soup for lunch, and subway for dinner. I worked out after work, even though I had a horrible headache and was tired. I drank water all day. I even drank a herbal cleanse fiber drink.
What did it do for me?
I was constipated instead of cleaned out.
I gained another 2.2 pounds over night.

My body fucking sucks.

So, what did I do today?
I ate McDonald's for breakfast, Girl Scout Cookies for lunch, and Pizza for dinner. I ate candy from the store, and a whole ton of junk, and birthday cake to top it off.
I said Fuck it.
If I'm going to keep gaining weight, I might as well enjoy food along the way.

Was that the right thing to do? Probably not.
But
I am SO frustrated.

I don't know what to do.
I don't know the answers.
All I do know is that it's not fair.
It's not fair that other people can lose weight easily. It's not fair that other people can lose weight and get compliments. It's not fair that other people don't have the stresses of their jobs that I do. It's not fair that my body responds so differently than the "norm".
It's not fair.
It fucking sucks.

But...
It is what it is.
I have to find a way to work my way back ...
I can't give up like I have done every other damn time.
I can't.
I can't vision anything for myself except being fat.
I can't envision a life any different.
It's not happening for me like it is for other people.

6. I am frustrated that I've reached this point.
I can't explain this to people. I don't say these things to get a pitty party. I say these things because they are true and honest. They are what's happening.
And  I don't know what to do.
I don't.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be feel this way.
But I do.

Please don't tell me to keep trying.
Please don't tell me that it will get better.
Please don't tell me that I need to work harder.
Please don't.

Don't judge me because you can starve yourself and lose 5 pounds.
Don't judge me because you can go for a run and maintain your weight.
Don't judge me because you can spend your weekends drinking and not have to worry about it.
Don't judge me because you don't have any idea what it's like to be in my body.

I am just so mad. So sad. So frustrated. 

I won't be winning my diet bet for February. I don't even have the energy to pack a lunch as we speak. I don't know what to do. I'm just frustrated. 

Anyone have tips for this stupid CPAP mask?
Anyone take anything to help them fall asleep at night?


I'm frustrated.