Checking in

It's been a while since I've written a post.
There's a few reasons.
 1. I feel like a failure, and have had a pretty rough time with this journey the past few weeks.
 2. There's a reason that I don't usually talk about my daily struggles with others -
3. I have increasingly been discovering that I struggle to talk about my fears, frustrations, and struggles without other people being angry with me, or thinking that I'm arguing, being negative, or being rude. I never purposely would want someone to think those things about me. It's hard. If you don't actually experience the daily struggles that I do with this disease, I suppose it is truly impossible to completely understand. People try. My friends are great. My family is the best. They try. But, to be completely honest, I feel like the more I try to talk about my struggles, fears, and failures, the more people get frustrated with me and it turns into me feeling more frustrated. I don't try to argue with people when they say things like "It will get better." or "It's okay".

 No. It's not okay, and No. It's not going to get better.

I don't say those things to be rude or disrespectful to your support. I say those things because it's simply not true. There is NO cure for PCOS. Some women find ways to help them cope differently than others. I am not there yet. But, there is no cure. There is nothing I can do that will make these things completely go away. I can't just starve myself for a day or a week, and lose some weight. I can't take some diet pills, or use some commercial program that offers pills, shakes, programs, etc.. It is not possible. My body does not respond. My body will not accept them. In fact, most of the time, those things make my weight control worse. Not better. I'm so happy that those things can work for others. I'm not knocking the people who use them at all.

My two best friends have lost weight in ways that work for them. One of them started by using a pill, and working out every day. One of them consistently uses Advocare. I have seen both of them make amazing changes in their lives. They are healthier, happier, and they were successful using whatever worked for them and their lives. They faced struggles, got back up again, and continued. Nothing is easy. It's all hard work. But, their programs worked for them.
I can't do either. My body won't let me.

So, when people say to me, "Just keep trying", I really just want to punch them in their fucking faces. Because, I have been trying. I am trying. I try EVERY DAMN DAY of my life. Every day is a struggle. Every day is a battle, and sometimes, I'm lucky enough to feel like I'm winning that battle, or doing something good, but a lot of the time still, I feel like I'm losing a battle, and continuing to fight uphill as it gets harder and harder to make any strides.

If you think that just because I'm struggling, and want to complain about my fucked up body to you, that that means I'm not trying, then please don't even bother.

 Because, even if I indulge in a Reese's Peanut Butter cup that day, I'm still trying. I'm human. I need a healthy relationship with food. It's hard to have though, because a normal person can eat a candy bar, work out, and feel fine. I eat a candy bar, work out double, and gain 1.2 pounds over night. I'm not even joking, either.

Oh well. It is what it is. Right?

I hide these things from so many people in my life. I don't let them know what's really going on, because who wants to hear me complain for an hour and I'm sure they're just looking at me like I'm making excuses and being lazy and that I don't really want to work for it? I don't know.. that's how I feel people's perceptions of me are when I want to talk about it. Maybe I just don't know how to find the words to talk about it without sounding like a whiny little bitch? I don't know? Maybe it's me. But, for the love of God, there's a reason why I keep those things bottled up inside of me. Other people simply don't understand what it's like. And, I don't know how to explain it without making other people angry.

I found this article on Pinterest.
http://www.pcosdietsupport.com/pcos-awareness/10-things-a-woman-with-pcos-would-like-you-to-know/

....and I wanted to bring it into my blog post because I think it did a good job of explaining some things that I don't do well of explaining...

1. This disease impacts so much more than my ovaries. In fact, my doctor is pleased with the way my ovaries have responded to birth control, and thinks that I will be okay when I try to have babies. Although, my ovaries still have cysts, they still burst, and they still try to kill me occasionally.

2. I MAY BE OVERWEIGHT BUT ITS NOT BECAUSE OF A LACK IN EFFORT
"Some people may look at me and think I’m lazy, that I really should stop eating so much or that I don’t care about the way that I look. That’s simply not true. Don’t judge me because of my size.

PCOS makes it so easy for me to gain weight and losing it again is a constant struggle. I am often careful about what I eat and am mindful that what I put in my body is either helpful or harmful. So, please cut me some slack. I may be overweight but I’m working on it."

3. PCOS is not curable

4. SOMETIMES I JUST CAN'T HELP IT
I know I'm acting crazy some days, and I know I am irrational. I know that I say the wrong things, appear argumentative, or unappreciative. I wish I could control that. Mood swings are real, and they are out of my control. I try my best to  work on it. I really do. Please know that I don't ever intend to appear bitchy towards you. I don't blame any person for this. I really just can't help it. I'm working on it.

5. I am determined.
PCOS makes me feel ugly. PCOS makes me feel unattractive. PCOS makes me feel like there will never be a man on this planet who is ever able to fall in love with me. That's the cold hard truth. Dating terrifies me. 9 times out of 10, if I even find someone remotely interested in me, I make up a reason in my head that I can't get close to him, because I don't want to have a discussion about my facial hair, weird hormonal imbalances, and cysts on my ovaries that occasionally, without warning, just explode and world war 3 happens inside my body.
BUT,
I'm not giving up. Just because PCOS does all of those ugly things to me, it doesn't mean I'm defeated. I refuse to let PCOS define who I am as a person.


6. I DO appreciate you and love you.
Thank you for loving me despite my flaws. Thank you for sticking with me despite my mood swings, depression, anxiety, stress levels, and frustrations. I promise I appreciate you. I promise I love you. I promise just being there for me is enough. You don't have to understand what I'm going through. Just loving me is all I need. So, thank you.

Okay so let's check in on the journey...

I started my second diet bet. I've gained some weight. Lost a few pounds again, and gained some more. I've been extremely frustrated. I had an entire cheat weekend. I ate whatever I wanted, didn't track a single piece of food, and drank a lot of beer. I did still get 10,000 steps Friday and Saturday, and went for a run/walk to Lake Michigan in the snow. But, I didn't eat well. 
And I gained 3 pounds back.

It's very frustrating to continue facing these battles of up and down. I worked out hard on Monday, and still didn't lose a single pound Tuesday morning. 

I got sick around 12:30 yesterday afternoon, and spent 16 hours puking or pooping once at least every 40 minutes. I can't eat anything, and I'm currently trying to force myself to drink some diet coke because I have such a bad headache. I'm hoping the caffeine will help kill that. If I can keep it down.

Over night, I lost 7 pounds. SEVEN. 
I don't know how I even have anything left inside of me, but it keeps coming. 
With no appetite.

I know I will gain those 7 pounds back, and that stresses me out.
Because, obviously I need rest. My body needs to make a full recovery.
So, How long do I wait until I just go for it? I try to eat? I try to workout?

Being sick was certainly not part of the plan.

I wish I could say that I am sleeping. I am not. It's awful. I can't keep my mask on for even the 4 hour compliance time each night. Some nights, I remember taking it off- usually when the pressure is too high and I freak out. Other nights, I have no idea when or why I took it off. The mask freaks me out. I can't fall asleep, no matter how tired I actually am. And, so it just begins another horrible cycle of sleepless nights. 

I am finding that my Sleep Apnea symptoms are becoming worse though.
1.  I have a shit memory, which pisses me off, because I've always had a good memory. 
2. I am waking up with killer headaches every day. No one wants to start their day with a headache.
3.I am exhausted. I physically and emotionally cannot function. It is not good. 

I am hoping that I can get into the doctor to see if there is any medication they can give to me to help me to actually fall asleep and help the anxiety I have about the mask. I didn't ever think I was claustrophobic before, but it's really not comfortable. :( 

I have finally reached the 30 pound mark. In fact, I am almost half way between 30 and the 40 pound mark. This is great news. I know it is. It's a good feeling to have lost almost 40 pounds. Reaching that 40 pound mark will put me at the lowest weight I've been in years. and I mean lots of years. I am so close to seeing numbers I've never dreamed I would see again. But, it's so hard to find that to be something I can celebrate and I know that's hard for others to understand. I've lost over 30 pounds, why am I not happy about that?

I've lost weight before.
And every single time, I've gained it back.
Every. Single. Time.

So, losing this weight IS great. I know it is. But, I still have doubts and fears about when my body will just say it's done.
I still wonder when I will just "give up" enough that I don't continue as strong anymore because facing defeat over and over again is hard. It's shitty, actually. 


I also know 100% that I am doing this for me. For me to find happiness in my health. For me to feel like my weight isn't restricting my ability to live my life. That is why I am working so hard at this.
To be honest, If someone doesn't like me because I'm fat, then that's their problem. They're missing out on one hell of a person. I'm pretty awesome, and I have a lot to offer someone in a friendship, relationship, whatever... So, if my waist size, and a number on the scale are all it takes for you to give up on me, then I don't really care.
With that said, it's still hurtful. I still fear that people will feel that way. It still hurts my feelings I'm still told things that make me wonder how people are so compassion-less.

I was recently told, "you're not fat. You just need to eat more fruit. Eat more fruit, and less meat." 

Are you kidding me?

What does that even mean?
Why would someone say that?
And, bitch... I eat too much fruit. 

No. I'm not skinny. Yes. I have a lot of weight to lose.
Yes, I have a lot of fat on my body.

And even though, no one around me can notice that I've lost over 3o flipping pounds, I have. I'm on one hell of a journey. Everyone carries their weight differently. If you can lose 70 pounds in less than a year, and people notice. Great. I am happy for you and your success. But, I lose 30 pounds, and get ZERO recognition of it.  None. 

That's frustrating. It's hurtful, and it can set me back.
Someone also recently said to me, "you've lost 17 pounds?? Holy smokes". 
Yes. I had lost 17 pounds in the month of January. Thanks for letting me know that I am so fat, that you can't even tell that I lost almost double the recommended amount of weight loss in a month. 

How do I learn to be less concerned with these comments? How do I not let this hurt me? How do I continue to be 100% invested only in myself and not so concerned about other people noticing?

I guess I just need to lean a little more on my faith...



and let life take it's time...



and give it 12 weeks. Do it for me. 




I'm 6 weeks in. 6 weeks away from giving this a real shot.
I'm not giving up.
I'm frustrated. But, I'm not giving up.