Thursday, March 24, 2016

It's good to be alive...

I've been thinking for a few weeks about writing again. But, every time I think about writing, I think about how I don't have anything to share. Not that anyone wants to read anyway.
And then, I remember that there are people out there, like me. There are people who struggle with my struggles and face what I face.

I'm a teacher. Remember?
There's this weird connotation that in Education today, you can't talk about anything that's not positive. You can't talk negatively about your job, you can't talk negatively about your life, your can't talk negatively about things that happen. No Negative. Ignore the negative. Get it out. Only positive.
But, you know what. I'm calling bullshit on that.
Because there IS negative. And without negative, we wouldn't know what positive was. We wouldn't know that positive felt better. We wouldn't know how to express positive. Negative happens and it happens with reason.
Sometimes, you just CAN'T ignore it.
I truly, 100% believe that you can talk about the negative without "complaining", because sometimes you just need to talk about it. And even if it still sounds like complaining, sometimes, that talk is where you realize what you need to do to make that negative a positive, or make that negative appear to be minimal.
The negative is STILL important.

Holy Shit. I just had a revelation as I was typing that. It just came to me. But, I've been trying to get that out for 4 weeks.

So here's the real talk:

4 weeks ago, I became more upset, more stressed, more frustrated, more belittled than I ever have in my life. My character was badly misjudged and I was used negatively as an example in the workplace. I felt shattered, and torn. I still haven't been able to quite pick myself up. I have a wonderful support system, but until about 5 days ago, I still couldn't talk about it without crying. Sometimes even sobbing.
I have never in my life wanted to do anything besides teach. Ever.
It's not a secret that the past 2 years of my teaching career have been challenging.
But the past 4 weeks have resulted in me seriously doubting myself as a teacher.
I have wondered if there is any other job out there that I can find that I can enjoy.
Because I fear that I will never be able to move on... and away. I fear that my reputation will be tarnished falsely. I fear that maybe it's not meant to be, for me. Or maybe I'm just not good enough. Maybe I can't do it.

Do you know how shitty that is?
To feel this way?

It's tearing me up.

Most people don't know what they want to do with their lives when they go to college.
Most people change their minds at least once, change their majors. Move on.
Hell, some people don't even go to college.
They find jobs, maybe careers, and it just becomes part of who they are.

Not me.
I've always know that teaching was it for me.
I guess that makes me lucky.

But, I don't feel lucky.
Because questioning that eternal feeling is the worst feeling in the world. Questioning my belief that I was put on this Earth to be a teacher makes me feel useless, worthless, stupid, and just in existence.

I have the best support system in the world. My co-workers are great. My family is the best. But, I can't shake this horrible feeling I have about my career.
That is weighing me down.
It is tearing me apart.

4 weeks ago, I went to Sky Zone to shake off my bad work day.
I bruised my heel bone.
It's still not normal.
I've tried walking. I've tried running. (That was the worst Idea ever).
I made it through walking. But, was horribly sore for 2 days after that.
After sitting for awhile, my foot becomes stiff and I can barely stand, let alone walk.

Not being able to workout in any way is also killing me.

I signed up for a new Diet Bet. When I weighed in for it, I wanted to die.
I really hadn't gained as much weight as I thought.
But, It wasn't where I wanted to be.
I'm not able to participate in my spring activity up north at that weight. That wasn't the weight I wanted when I go to Florida for spring break.

It's still less than it was when I started.
It's still less than it was last year.
It's what it is.
I couldn't change it to something I wanted to see.

Eating healthy is hard.
It's even more hard when you're an emotional eater.
It's even more hard than that when you're an emotional eater who is riding an emotional roller coaster.
It's even more hard than that when you're an emotional eater who is riding a GIANT emotional roller coaster and not sleeping.

Some days are better than others.
Most nights suck.
But, I'm trying.
I'm still alive.
I'm still trying.
My stress level is abnormally high.
My emotions are ridiculous.
I'm trying.
I'm trying hard.
I'm trying.

My spring break clothes still fit me.
I tried them on.

And you know what?
The people I'm going to Florida with for Spring Break love me.
They love me as I am.
They love me for who I am.
They don't care that I'm fat.
They don't care.
So, why do I?

A co-worker told me today that my smile lights up her world when she sees me. She told me that she showed my picture to her husband and he commented on my eyes and my smile.
She also asked if I had lost any weight.
The question I've been waiting to hear since January.


At a time when I feel so shitty about this journey.

She told me she could tell and that I looked happier and she loves me thinks I'm beautiful.

So you know what?
Who the fuck cares that I'm not losing weight as fast as other people who diet?
Who the hell cares that I can't post a transformation picture after 2 months of eating grass?
I can't.
I can't just stop drinking pop and lose 20 pounds.
I can't lose 10 pounds doing a 2 week cleanse.
I can't.
My body doesn't let me.

But who cares? Just me? Right?

It is SO frustrating to hear about other people's success and to see other people get attention and praise for their weight loss achievements?
But you know what? Those people have NO idea how hard it is.
They have NO idea what it's like to do what I'm doing with what I have.
They don't.
So my satisfaction has to come from my own happiness.
It has to.

I'm going to go on Spring Break. I'm going to go to the Beach. I'm going to take pictures. I'm going to enjoy myself.
Because this is the life I live. This is who I am.
There's always room for improvement. But this is a journey.
Someday, I'll get there. But I'm not going to miss the happiness right in front of me waiting for that day.

I'll keep fighting.
I'll keep working hard.
I'll keep trying.
But I'm not dwelling any longer.
I can't.

Now, if anyone has any tips on how to meet my compliance for the CPAP machine, that would be great. I can't get past the claustrophobia no matter how hard I try.
It's crunch time though. I only have until April 22.

I want to sleep.
So bad.
Help me sleep.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Picking up the pieces

My last post was pretty depressing. It wasn't very upbeat. It wasn't very positive. It wasn't very... Me.

But, that pretty much describes my February.
February sucked.

I didn't lose weight.
I was sick.
I got injured.
I fell into some major slumps.
But, the upside... the good news..

It's not February anymore.

If I'm being honest, after things started falling apart in February, I stopped eating good. I stopped exercising regularly. It was just an all around fail.

I have been planning this post for a few weeks.

I wrote last time about how I lost some weight when I was sick. I was frustrated because I gained all of it back.

When I step back to reality though, I realize that I didn't gain anything serious back. I got sick. It's normal to gain weight back when you lose it unhealthily. I'm okay.

I put on a pair of pants a few weeks ago after weighing myself and expected them to be tight.
But, you know what?
They were more lose than when I put them on the time before.

That was a turning point for me.
I realized that even though I had gained that weight back, I hadn't regressed.
I was still working hard, and my body was still changing.

This is a hard concept. Especially because I have so much weight to lose, and it's so frustrating when the littlest of setbacks can feel so defeating.

This might sound weird but I looked at myself the other day after I got out of the tanning bed, and I realized that I'm making changes. I'm not making changes as fast as others, but I'm getting there.

I have really been in the dumps. I have a very stressful job in a very unfortunate place. I do not have support, and I am not surrounded by anything positive. I am looked down upon. I am not appreciated. I feel attacked, and I feel worthless most days. I feel like I picked the wrong career at least once a week.
I've been struggling to pick myself back up after having my spirits torn apart by people who should be building me up and supporting me.

But, I'm ready.
I haven't weighed myself in at least 2 weeks probably. I have no desire to.
Maybe I will on Sunday?
Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.

I just want to get myself back into the swing of things without the pressure.

Speaking of pressure.
I was finally able to get the pressure lowered on my CPAP machine so I am hoping that means sleep is in my future.

I"m not done.
I'm a work in progress.

One years change.
I'm getting there.
But, I'll get there.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

I'm frustrated

Let me first state a few disclaimers...

I don't want to write this post, but something is pulling me towards it...

I don't want to continue this blog... what's the point? But, something is pulling me towards it....

I don't want to continue writing about negative things and pissy problems...
But, that's my life... and isn't this supposed to be about my life?

This blog is for me, about me, for me, about me, for me.
It is not about any one person or persons in my life. My point of writing anything in this blog is FOR me. It's about ME.
Please please please please for the love of all that is holy, do NOT think that I am writing about anyone in my life specifically, EVER, or that I am trying to discredit anything that anyone else does.
This is about my perceptions, my issues, my thoughts, my struggles.
Dear God, please don't think otherwise.

I am a strong believer in the ideal that your own perception of yourself leads to your perceptions from others around you. If you feel shitty about yourself, then other people will help feed that shitty feeling. It's not necessarily that they are making you feel shitty, it's just that you're carrying that aura, and it doesn't matter what they do or say, you're going to continue to feel shitty.

I am also a strong believer in the idea that sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do or say. You can be the biggest supporter, strongest strength, and most positive outlook, but if someone isn't ready to hear the things you're trying to say, they won't hear them.
That's a hard concept to understand, to comprehend, and to remember....

But that's not why I'm writing tonight.

I'm writing because, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated as hell.

So, this post is strictly about my frustrations..
Maybe the reason I need to write this post, is because someday, if I ever get there, I'm going to need to look back on these frustrations and feel humbled by them. Hell if I know. But, maybe.

1. I'm frustrated with people who have normal jobs. People who can work their hours at their workplace, and leave work on time, get paid hourly for the work they do, and then go home and live their lives.
I am SO stressed out at work, about work, for work, regarding work. I work 12 hour days, and get paid for 8. I am constantly, 100% of my time thinking about at least 55 different children all day long. I pray for them, I worry for them, I think of them, I cry for them, I just think of them. They are always on my mind. Always. Every single kid I have ever touched. All day long. That's so emotionally draining.
I leave work late, I miss family events, I have ZERO friends, I can't date. What do I have to offer someone? All I do is work. Because, when I do get home, finally from work, I sit down and do more work, or think about work, or talk about work.
It controls my life.
How do I, as a newer teacher, find that balance?
I don't know...
It's frustrating.
Why can't I leave for lunch? Why can't I even have time to eat lunch? Why can't I take a sick day when I'm feeling like death? Why can't I take a vacation day on a Friday? Why can't I check social media, catch up with my friends, and meet people for lunch?
It's frustrating to me that other people take those things for granted.
I LOVE my career. I love teaching. I love kids. It is what I am most passionate about in this world. I cannot imagine living a life any different. But, I do need to find a balance. I do need to not let it control my life, and I do wish that I could have a normal job sometimes.

2. I am frustrated with people who just don't eat. 
How do people function without food? How do they just go all day without eating? Why is it okay for them to go without food, and lose weight and stay the same weight, and still be able to function? If I could, I would starve myself, too. Gosh, doesn't that sound easy. I don't need to eat, I have enough fat on me. But, my body doesn't function. I don't have energy needed to function without food. I get lightheaded and dizzy. It's a good thing. I guess, I would rather be full of overall health, anyway. But, it's frustrating.

3. I am frustrated that I can't sleep.
I'm not sleeping. In fact, some nights, it's worse than it's ever been. My sleep apnea is taking a toll on my body that it hasn't taken before. I find myself almost falling asleep during the day. I find myself wanting to sleep all the time. I find myself ready for bed at 6:00 PM. I find myself not wanting to do anything social (not that I ever get asked anyway, because I have no friends and no life), because I'm just too tired.
This is not my choice. This is not be staying up late because I'm a night owl. This is not me staying up late to do work, or watch tv, or play games, or drink, or hang out with people. This is my body not being able to sleep.
I can't keep my mask on. I can't meet compliance. I can't sleep. I can't move with the mask on which is stressing me out. I can't use the $56 pillow that I bought. What the hell is the point of that thing anyway? Seriously. I need to make pillows and charge $60 for them. People would buy them.
I just want to sleep.
I want to sleep like a normal person.
I want to have my memory back.
I want to have my energy back.
I want to be able to function all day long.
I want to be happy again.

4. I am frustrated that no one knows.
I have lost over 30 pounds. (Well, kind of.. see next frustration) ...
I have worked my ass off. A lot harder than the average person due to the world working against me.
I saw my aunt and cousin over the weekend. It wasn't planned. Ran into them on my solo vacation.
I haven't seen either of them since Christmas. At Christmas, I was in a bad state of mind. I was frustrated because I wasn't losing weight, and I had a bad attitude. I've lost almost 22 pounds since they saw me at Christmas.
They didn't notice.
No one can tell.
It's not doing anything for me.
I know that I am losing weight for myself. It's for me. I know that. But, it's frustrating that no one can tell. It's frustrating that I can't get one compliment. EVER.

5. I am frustrated that my body sucks.
I lost almost 8 pounds when I got the flu. I have gained every singly pound back. Every. Single. Pound. Almost over night. And that's not an exaggeration. As soon as I put any kind of food into my body, I gained it all right back. I can't lose a single pound since then. Since getting sick.
I am exhausted. I am emotionally drained. I tried to give my body rest time without working out, and I waited. I've gotten my steps, I've taken the stairs, I've walked more, I'm worked out, I've tracked my food intake. Still gaining it all back again.
Here I go again.

This weekend, I consumed a lot of bad food, and a lot of beer. I deserved it. I needed a break. I needed a vacation. I needed some time with me. Away. In a different place. So, I gave myself that. I didn't eat all day long. But, I didn't eat great, and I didn't track my food. And I drank a lot of beer.
I knew it would be bad. But, I did not expect to see the number on the scale that I saw when I stepped on it yesterday morning.

My body fucking sucks.

So, yesterday, I drank a meal replacement shake for breakfast, Chicken Noodle Soup for lunch, and subway for dinner. I worked out after work, even though I had a horrible headache and was tired. I drank water all day. I even drank a herbal cleanse fiber drink.
What did it do for me?
I was constipated instead of cleaned out.
I gained another 2.2 pounds over night.

My body fucking sucks.

So, what did I do today?
I ate McDonald's for breakfast, Girl Scout Cookies for lunch, and Pizza for dinner. I ate candy from the store, and a whole ton of junk, and birthday cake to top it off.
I said Fuck it.
If I'm going to keep gaining weight, I might as well enjoy food along the way.

Was that the right thing to do? Probably not.
I am SO frustrated.

I don't know what to do.
I don't know the answers.
All I do know is that it's not fair.
It's not fair that other people can lose weight easily. It's not fair that other people can lose weight and get compliments. It's not fair that other people don't have the stresses of their jobs that I do. It's not fair that my body responds so differently than the "norm".
It's not fair.
It fucking sucks.

It is what it is.
I have to find a way to work my way back ...
I can't give up like I have done every other damn time.
I can't.
I can't vision anything for myself except being fat.
I can't envision a life any different.
It's not happening for me like it is for other people.

6. I am frustrated that I've reached this point.
I can't explain this to people. I don't say these things to get a pitty party. I say these things because they are true and honest. They are what's happening.
And  I don't know what to do.
I don't.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be feel this way.
But I do.

Please don't tell me to keep trying.
Please don't tell me that it will get better.
Please don't tell me that I need to work harder.
Please don't.

Don't judge me because you can starve yourself and lose 5 pounds.
Don't judge me because you can go for a run and maintain your weight.
Don't judge me because you can spend your weekends drinking and not have to worry about it.
Don't judge me because you don't have any idea what it's like to be in my body.

I am just so mad. So sad. So frustrated. 

I won't be winning my diet bet for February. I don't even have the energy to pack a lunch as we speak. I don't know what to do. I'm just frustrated. 

Anyone have tips for this stupid CPAP mask?
Anyone take anything to help them fall asleep at night?

I'm frustrated. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Checking in

It's been a while since I've written a post.
There's a few reasons.
 1. I feel like a failure, and have had a pretty rough time with this journey the past few weeks.
 2. There's a reason that I don't usually talk about my daily struggles with others -
3. I have increasingly been discovering that I struggle to talk about my fears, frustrations, and struggles without other people being angry with me, or thinking that I'm arguing, being negative, or being rude. I never purposely would want someone to think those things about me. It's hard. If you don't actually experience the daily struggles that I do with this disease, I suppose it is truly impossible to completely understand. People try. My friends are great. My family is the best. They try. But, to be completely honest, I feel like the more I try to talk about my struggles, fears, and failures, the more people get frustrated with me and it turns into me feeling more frustrated. I don't try to argue with people when they say things like "It will get better." or "It's okay".

 No. It's not okay, and No. It's not going to get better.

I don't say those things to be rude or disrespectful to your support. I say those things because it's simply not true. There is NO cure for PCOS. Some women find ways to help them cope differently than others. I am not there yet. But, there is no cure. There is nothing I can do that will make these things completely go away. I can't just starve myself for a day or a week, and lose some weight. I can't take some diet pills, or use some commercial program that offers pills, shakes, programs, etc.. It is not possible. My body does not respond. My body will not accept them. In fact, most of the time, those things make my weight control worse. Not better. I'm so happy that those things can work for others. I'm not knocking the people who use them at all.

My two best friends have lost weight in ways that work for them. One of them started by using a pill, and working out every day. One of them consistently uses Advocare. I have seen both of them make amazing changes in their lives. They are healthier, happier, and they were successful using whatever worked for them and their lives. They faced struggles, got back up again, and continued. Nothing is easy. It's all hard work. But, their programs worked for them.
I can't do either. My body won't let me.

So, when people say to me, "Just keep trying", I really just want to punch them in their fucking faces. Because, I have been trying. I am trying. I try EVERY DAMN DAY of my life. Every day is a struggle. Every day is a battle, and sometimes, I'm lucky enough to feel like I'm winning that battle, or doing something good, but a lot of the time still, I feel like I'm losing a battle, and continuing to fight uphill as it gets harder and harder to make any strides.

If you think that just because I'm struggling, and want to complain about my fucked up body to you, that that means I'm not trying, then please don't even bother.

 Because, even if I indulge in a Reese's Peanut Butter cup that day, I'm still trying. I'm human. I need a healthy relationship with food. It's hard to have though, because a normal person can eat a candy bar, work out, and feel fine. I eat a candy bar, work out double, and gain 1.2 pounds over night. I'm not even joking, either.

Oh well. It is what it is. Right?

I hide these things from so many people in my life. I don't let them know what's really going on, because who wants to hear me complain for an hour and I'm sure they're just looking at me like I'm making excuses and being lazy and that I don't really want to work for it? I don't know.. that's how I feel people's perceptions of me are when I want to talk about it. Maybe I just don't know how to find the words to talk about it without sounding like a whiny little bitch? I don't know? Maybe it's me. But, for the love of God, there's a reason why I keep those things bottled up inside of me. Other people simply don't understand what it's like. And, I don't know how to explain it without making other people angry.

I found this article on Pinterest.

....and I wanted to bring it into my blog post because I think it did a good job of explaining some things that I don't do well of explaining...

1. This disease impacts so much more than my ovaries. In fact, my doctor is pleased with the way my ovaries have responded to birth control, and thinks that I will be okay when I try to have babies. Although, my ovaries still have cysts, they still burst, and they still try to kill me occasionally.

"Some people may look at me and think I’m lazy, that I really should stop eating so much or that I don’t care about the way that I look. That’s simply not true. Don’t judge me because of my size.
PCOS makes it so easy for me to gain weight and losing it again is a constant struggle. I am often careful about what I eat and am mindful that what I put in my body is either helpful or harmful. So, please cut me some slack. I may be overweight but I’m working on it."
3. PCOS is not curable

I know I'm acting crazy some days, and I know I am irrational. I know that I say the wrong things, appear argumentative, or unappreciative. I wish I could control that. Mood swings are real, and they are out of my control. I try my best to  work on it. I really do. Please know that I don't ever intend to appear bitchy towards you. I don't blame any person for this. I really just can't help it. I'm working on it.

5. I am determined.
PCOS makes me feel ugly. PCOS makes me feel unattractive. PCOS makes me feel like there will never be a man on this planet who is ever able to fall in love with me. That's the cold hard truth. Dating terrifies me. 9 times out of 10, if I even find someone remotely interested in me, I make up a reason in my head that I can't get close to him, because I don't want to have a discussion about my facial hair, weird hormonal imbalances, and cysts on my ovaries that occasionally, without warning, just explode and world war 3 happens inside my body.
I'm not giving up. Just because PCOS does all of those ugly things to me, it doesn't mean I'm defeated. I refuse to let PCOS define who I am as a person.

6. I DO appreciate you and love you.
Thank you for loving me despite my flaws. Thank you for sticking with me despite my mood swings, depression, anxiety, stress levels, and frustrations. I promise I appreciate you. I promise I love you. I promise just being there for me is enough. You don't have to understand what I'm going through. Just loving me is all I need. So, thank you.

Okay so let's check in on the journey...

I started my second diet bet. I've gained some weight. Lost a few pounds again, and gained some more. I've been extremely frustrated. I had an entire cheat weekend. I ate whatever I wanted, didn't track a single piece of food, and drank a lot of beer. I did still get 10,000 steps Friday and Saturday, and went for a run/walk to Lake Michigan in the snow. But, I didn't eat well. 
And I gained 3 pounds back.

It's very frustrating to continue facing these battles of up and down. I worked out hard on Monday, and still didn't lose a single pound Tuesday morning. 

I got sick around 12:30 yesterday afternoon, and spent 16 hours puking or pooping once at least every 40 minutes. I can't eat anything, and I'm currently trying to force myself to drink some diet coke because I have such a bad headache. I'm hoping the caffeine will help kill that. If I can keep it down.

Over night, I lost 7 pounds. SEVEN. 
I don't know how I even have anything left inside of me, but it keeps coming. 
With no appetite.

I know I will gain those 7 pounds back, and that stresses me out.
Because, obviously I need rest. My body needs to make a full recovery.
So, How long do I wait until I just go for it? I try to eat? I try to workout?

Being sick was certainly not part of the plan.

I wish I could say that I am sleeping. I am not. It's awful. I can't keep my mask on for even the 4 hour compliance time each night. Some nights, I remember taking it off- usually when the pressure is too high and I freak out. Other nights, I have no idea when or why I took it off. The mask freaks me out. I can't fall asleep, no matter how tired I actually am. And, so it just begins another horrible cycle of sleepless nights. 

I am finding that my Sleep Apnea symptoms are becoming worse though.
1.  I have a shit memory, which pisses me off, because I've always had a good memory. 
2. I am waking up with killer headaches every day. No one wants to start their day with a headache.
3.I am exhausted. I physically and emotionally cannot function. It is not good. 

I am hoping that I can get into the doctor to see if there is any medication they can give to me to help me to actually fall asleep and help the anxiety I have about the mask. I didn't ever think I was claustrophobic before, but it's really not comfortable. :( 

I have finally reached the 30 pound mark. In fact, I am almost half way between 30 and the 40 pound mark. This is great news. I know it is. It's a good feeling to have lost almost 40 pounds. Reaching that 40 pound mark will put me at the lowest weight I've been in years. and I mean lots of years. I am so close to seeing numbers I've never dreamed I would see again. But, it's so hard to find that to be something I can celebrate and I know that's hard for others to understand. I've lost over 30 pounds, why am I not happy about that?

I've lost weight before.
And every single time, I've gained it back.
Every. Single. Time.

So, losing this weight IS great. I know it is. But, I still have doubts and fears about when my body will just say it's done.
I still wonder when I will just "give up" enough that I don't continue as strong anymore because facing defeat over and over again is hard. It's shitty, actually. 

I also know 100% that I am doing this for me. For me to find happiness in my health. For me to feel like my weight isn't restricting my ability to live my life. That is why I am working so hard at this.
To be honest, If someone doesn't like me because I'm fat, then that's their problem. They're missing out on one hell of a person. I'm pretty awesome, and I have a lot to offer someone in a friendship, relationship, whatever... So, if my waist size, and a number on the scale are all it takes for you to give up on me, then I don't really care.
With that said, it's still hurtful. I still fear that people will feel that way. It still hurts my feelings I'm still told things that make me wonder how people are so compassion-less.

I was recently told, "you're not fat. You just need to eat more fruit. Eat more fruit, and less meat." 

Are you kidding me?

What does that even mean?
Why would someone say that?
And, bitch... I eat too much fruit. 

No. I'm not skinny. Yes. I have a lot of weight to lose.
Yes, I have a lot of fat on my body.

And even though, no one around me can notice that I've lost over 3o flipping pounds, I have. I'm on one hell of a journey. Everyone carries their weight differently. If you can lose 70 pounds in less than a year, and people notice. Great. I am happy for you and your success. But, I lose 30 pounds, and get ZERO recognition of it.  None. 

That's frustrating. It's hurtful, and it can set me back.
Someone also recently said to me, "you've lost 17 pounds?? Holy smokes". 
Yes. I had lost 17 pounds in the month of January. Thanks for letting me know that I am so fat, that you can't even tell that I lost almost double the recommended amount of weight loss in a month. 

How do I learn to be less concerned with these comments? How do I not let this hurt me? How do I continue to be 100% invested only in myself and not so concerned about other people noticing?

I guess I just need to lean a little more on my faith...

and let life take it's time...

and give it 12 weeks. Do it for me. 

I'm 6 weeks in. 6 weeks away from giving this a real shot.
I'm not giving up.
I'm frustrated. But, I'm not giving up.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Finding a little bit of hope and a lotta bit of love

The end of January is here. 
On the last day of January, I find myself 20 pounds lighter than where I was on the first day of January. 
I worked my butt off this month. I've overcome the odds.

I wish I could say that I'm sleeping. But, that's not quite there yet. Anyone reading this use a Cpap machine and have any tips for adjusting to the mask life? The pressure build up is killing me! Help!
Anyway--- someday! 

I can't help but find myself still thinking though, on some days, that maybe now will be when my body decides it's done. 

It's been exciting to see the numbers going down finally. After so many disappointments.
But, it's also terrifying because when those numbers go up, I immediately resort to thinking that I've reached the end- the point where my body rejects changing, and I depressingly give up. 

I haven't let myself get to that point yet, and for that I am forever thankful.

I think, as a woman in general, or maybe even just a human, it's a challenge to stop comparing yourself to others. I remember growing up and hearing my mom and dad say all the time, that there was always going to be someone better, smarter, and prettier than you. But there was also never going to be another YOU. 

Those words are so important. 
I can't compare my struggle and my success to the success of anyone else. No one else is me. There are other teachers struggling to lose weight, there are women with pcos trying to fight battles, but none of them have all the strengths, weaknesses, struggles, and successes that I do, because we are all different. Our struggles are different. Our battles are different. And therefore, our successes and failures will be different too. 
With that said, I found myself a few times recently, frustrated that I couldn't see a difference in my before and after pictures. Why can other people share transformation pictures and I can't? It's another struggle I fight in this battle. 

But, then I realized that patience and hope are two things I should be relying more on. 
I saw a picture on my timehop today. One year ago, I completed an advocare 24 day challenge. I lost 16 pounds, and remember reaching the end and binge eating for 2 weeks. 
But, I had lost weight and showed ridiculous transformation. 
I compared that picture to a selfie I took today. 

Even though I'm fighting a battle that seems impossible, in a years time, I can finally see the progress I was looking for. 

I'm almost to 30 pounds lost since August. I can officially say that this summer/spring, I can go on an adventure I've been waiting for for years, because I am within the weight requirement. Even with clothes on! 
I have zero intentions of giving up now. Zero. 

What did I learn this month? 

1. Food is not the enemy. I went out with friends one night, ate fried bar food, and drank beer, used my weeklies, and didn't reach 10,000 steps. I was terrified that I was going to step on that scale the next day, and start my cycle all over again.

What happened when I stepped on that scale? I lost 1.2 pounds from the previous day. 

Yesterday, I hiked 8.5 miles, made it to 25,000 steps, and stayed in my points range. What happened when I stepped on the scale today?
I gained 0.2 pounds since yesterday. 

The most important thing I learned this month is that I am human. I am going to be human my whole life. It's okay to eat out, it's okay to drink beer, and it's okay to have lazy days. 

It's not okay to fall into a routine of that every day. But it's okay. I'm okay. I'll be okay. 

This is a process.
A long one.

But I'm taking control. 
And PCOS is not going to define my life. 

As I start February, I start a new diet bet. I hope you will consider joining me and pledging to lose 4% of your weight in February! See the link below! 

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Sometimes a little pampering can go a long way...

It's no secret that the last few days have left me feeling defeated and ready to throw in the towel and let PCOS win again. 

Yesterday, I took the day off work to go to a doctors appointment. Not just any doctors appointment, but the appointment I have been waiting for for so long! 
I was finally able to pick up a CPAP machine and learn how to use it. It was exciting, and a little overwhelming. I was told to take my time. And to let myself get used to the mask and the machine. It was normal for it to be an adjustment. 

I have been waiting for sleep for SO long. So LONG.
I decided that I was going to spend the day rewarding and pampering myself. I did a little shopping, and planning in my head, went tanning, and got my nails done! I even stepped out of my comfort zone and cut my hair!! 
Cutting my hair is terrifying. But, thankfully, I have some pretty talented friends! 

A little self love and I was feeling 400 times better about myself. And this journey. 
I even heard "you look great" three times yesterday. 

Worth it. 

I really wanted to see what I could do, so last night, I went to sleep like this...

I'm sure it will help me find a man... 
But, whatever. 

I was able to wear it for the first 3.5 hours of my sleep. And this is what that sleep looked like according to my Fitbit 

That's not great. But, I haven't had gaps in my restlessness like that since August! 
My body is used to me stopping breathing for at least 10 seconds, 14 times an hour. So, improvement is improvement.
I did put the mask on again for another hour and a half later in the night. It is weird. It is hard to adjust to. 
But, I have to believe it's worth it. 

Hopefully tonight is a better attempt. 
I really want to make it a whole night with the mask. 

Tomorrow is my official weigh in day, but according to the scale this morning, I am ONE pound away from my first adventure goal. I can't wait to reward myself with this adventure this spring! 
I also am 10 pounds away from my last big weight loss feat. When I moved to Arizona, I was feeling super healthy! I'm almost back to that weight again. 

I'm not giving up. 
And thank God, I didn't when I felt those set backs this week! 

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Damn you, PCOS

I used to think something was seriously wrong with me. Which would turn into more self-hate.
But, I have gone through these periods where everything is fine, I am happy, and content, and then BOOM, nothing feels like it can go right. I don't want to say I slip into a depression, because it isn't always that serious. I used to fight this, and think that there was something wrong - why couldn't I just pull myself out. I mean, everyone has struggles, but they cope and deal with it. Why can't I?

Then, as I started accepting my diagnosis of PCOS, I started learning that maybe there wasn't something all that wrong with me (besides the norm) and that it was the PCOS to blame. I couldn't control it. It was the imbalance in my body that was overtaking everything else I was working towards.
It doesn't make it easier... but it doesn't make me hate myself quite as much anymore...

I'm in the depression right now.

I finally lost some weight. It doesn't make a difference.. I still look the same, I still wear the same clothes, I can't take a cute selfie to make myself feel better about my face, I still look the same. But, I've lost some pounds, and that's better than where I was 3.5 weeks ago.

But, I've lost weight before. I've been able to lose pounds. And I get to about this point, and they start coming right back to me. They don't want to be lost anymore, I guess. It's the cycle I've known all my life.
I keep trying to change that. I've tried positive thinking, I've tried envisioning myself reaching certain weights and sizes. I've tried. EVERY DAY.
But, today, I stepped on the scale, and I gained.
I did everything I'm supposed to be doing.
I stay within my points.
I exercise.
I obsess over 10,000 steps a day and winning challenges.
And, I still am gaining.
So, is this where the cycle begins again?
Is this where my body says "haha, just kidding. you can't really lose weight after all"?

That's what it feels like...
I'm defeated.
I'm nervous..

And everyone around me continues to have success.... everyone around me is getting those compliments, is continuing to work hard, BUT actually seeing results.
And here I am, starting the cycle again, where I'm gaining.

So, Damn you, PCOS.
Go away.
You aren't welcome.
You're ruining my life.