Unfortunately, I didn't get very much more sleep, but it was nice staying in bed until 8:00 AM!
I woke up this morning and instantly felt like today was going to be a failure because it was going to be so much harder to get 10,000 steps. I already planned on not having an extra workout today due to basketball, but I was planning on working hard to make sure I met my step goal at least. A snow day was called appropriately - the roads sucked! But, I did force myself to get up and out and walk around the grocery store. That helped the step total, and I'm hoping I might still be able to make it to the goal. I may or may not have walked circles around my house trying to get steps earlier. Oops.
I'm doing good nutrition wise and I was super excited to make breakfast this morning and I ate lunch watching my favorite guilty pleasure - Bones.
The reason I decided to write today is because I have realized today how uncomfortable it truly is to do something you don't want to do, or you aren't used to doing. Writing this blog, and sharing it with the world is completely stepping out of my comfort zone. I am highly 100% independent. I know that my level of independence is pretty rare. I moved across the country by myself and only took what would fit in my tiny car. I know how weird that is to a lot of people. I don't understand it - because I literally didn't even second guess myself once, but I know it. I don't need someone else to like myself, I don't need someone else to do anything. If I want to go out to eat, I go. If I want to watch a movie, I do. If I want to go on vacation, I will. I can do it all alone. I can and I actually enjoy it. That being said, I also am a pretty secretive person. I don't feel the need to air my life out for the world to see. I don't post a daily facebook status updating people about what's going on, and I don't even tell my mom what I'm doing every day. I don't tell the world every time I work out, and I don't post when I'm eating healthy. I keep a lot to myself, and I don't need anyone's approval, or acknowledgement. I don't need attention from anyone, and I just keep a lot of my life to myself.
Being independent is absolutely one of my positive traits... but my secretive independence can also be considered a downfall.
Writing this blog, and sharing it with people who don't know me. Not a big deal.
Writing this blog and sharing with people who see my every day.... that's where I become vulnerable. I don't like sharing these things about my life. I feel weaker because of some of these things. But, I've seen some positive reactions from the people in my life who learned something new about me. Maybe I needed the vulnerability and the reach out of my comfort zone so that I can hold myself accountable in new ways. I want to succeed 100% for myself, but maybe now that I know that so many of the people in my life know about my struggles, I have to work just as hard to show them that I'm in this for good.
Either way, it's still weird. It's still a little uncomfortable to know that my co-workers, former classroom parents, friends, and family members are stepping into this part of my world that I have always tried so hard to keep hidden.
That led me to another thought...
Why is it that it makes me so vulnerable?
I fear judgement ...
I know we all do. But, I think I fear judgement a lot more than I would have ever cared to admit before.
I heard one of my students say yesterday, "Ms. Niehaus came to my basketball game. I didn't recognize her. She looked weird. She didn't have any makeup on." I didn't really think much about it at the time. But, I realized how dependent I am on that "fake face" as part of my professional identity. I wish young girls would slow time down and not become so dependent on that part of their identity until they are older. But, why am I so dependent on that when being seen in public?
Because of vulnerability. Because of that fear of judgement.
So, why is it that women are so judgemental to each other? Why do we care so much about another woman's life when we probably don't know much about her.
It irritates me to think about the people who have judged me not knowing anything about my struggles, but at the same time, if I opened up and told them about my struggles, would they be less judgemental? I don't know.
I found myself leaving the gym yesterday concerned about judgement from others. I did 35 minutes on the elliptical. I did a random workout that included many different speeds, climbs, and resistance levels. I burned over 450 calories in that time. I didn't work extremely hard, but it wasn't entirely easy. It raised my heart rate, gained some steps, and got me moving. I sweat, but I didn't sweat profusely. I instantly feared that judgement that I didn't workout hard enough because I didn't look like I had killed myself on the machine. My face wasn't beat red and soaked in sweat.
Why in God's name am I concerned about what someone else is going to think about my workout? My workout, whether it is easy or hard, isn't going to hurt or benefit anyone on this planet, except myself. If someone wants to look at me and think that I didn't work hard enough because I don't look like they did at the end of their workout, then my God, judge away. Because, I shouldn't have time for that. I shouldn't be concerned about that. Every single one of us is so different, our bodies are different, and capable of so much, but so much different. Our daily activity is different. I workout after working 8-10 hours in my classroom with 30 children. That's exhausting. But, I'm working out.
So, be a little more kind. To yourself. Don't judge yourself, and whatever you do, don't fear the judgement. You're doing the best you can.
Love yourself.
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