Finding a little bit of hope and a lotta bit of love

The end of January is here. 

On the last day of January, I find myself 20 pounds lighter than where I was on the first day of January. 

I worked my butt off this month. I've overcome the odds.

I wish I could say that I'm sleeping. But, that's not quite there yet. Anyone reading this use a Cpap machine and have any tips for adjusting to the mask life? The pressure build up is killing me! Help!

Anyway--- someday! 

I can't help but find myself still thinking though, on some days, that maybe now will be when my body decides it's done. 

It's been exciting to see the numbers going down finally. After so many disappointments.

But, it's also terrifying because when those numbers go up, I immediately resort to thinking that I've reached the end- the point where my body rejects changing, and I depressingly give up. 

I haven't let myself get to that point yet, and for that I am forever thankful.

I think, as a woman in general, or maybe even just a human, it's a challenge to stop comparing yourself to others. I remember growing up and hearing my mom and dad say all the time, that there was always going to be someone better, smarter, and prettier than you. But there was also never going to be another YOU. 

Those words are so important. 

I can't compare my struggle and my success to the success of anyone else. No one else is me. There are other teachers struggling to lose weight, there are women with pcos trying to fight battles, but none of them have all the strengths, weaknesses, struggles, and successes that I do, because we are all different. Our struggles are different. Our battles are different. And therefore, our successes and failures will be different too. 

With that said, I found myself a few times recently, frustrated that I couldn't see a difference in my before and after pictures. Why can other people share transformation pictures and I can't? It's another struggle I fight in this battle. 

But, then I realized that patience and hope are two things I should be relying more on. 

I saw a picture on my timehop today. One year ago, I completed an advocare 24 day challenge. I lost 16 pounds, and remember reaching the end and binge eating for 2 weeks. 

But, I had lost weight and showed ridiculous transformation. 

I compared that picture to a selfie I took today. 

Even though I'm fighting a battle that seems impossible, in a years time, I can finally see the progress I was looking for. 

I'm almost to 30 pounds lost since August. I can officially say that this summer/spring, I can go on an adventure I've been waiting for for years, because I am within the weight requirement. Even with clothes on! 

I have zero intentions of giving up now. Zero. 

What did I learn this month? 

1. Food is not the enemy. I went out with friends one night, ate fried bar food, and drank beer, used my weeklies, and didn't reach 10,000 steps. I was terrified that I was going to step on that scale the next day, and start my cycle all over again.

What happened when I stepped on that scale? I lost 1.2 pounds from the previous day. 

Yesterday, I hiked 8.5 miles, made it to 25,000 steps, and stayed in my points range. What happened when I stepped on the scale today?

I gained 0.2 pounds since yesterday. 

The most important thing I learned this month is that I am human. I am going to be human my whole life. It's okay to eat out, it's okay to drink beer, and it's okay to have lazy days. 

It's not okay to fall into a routine of that every day. But it's okay. I'm okay. I'll be okay. 

This is a process.

A long one.

But I'm taking control. 

And PCOS is not going to define my life. 

As I start February, I start a new diet bet. I hope you will consider joining me and pledging to lose 4% of your weight in February! See the link below! 

http://diet.bt/7vam9K

Sometimes a little pampering can go a long way...

It's no secret that the last few days have left me feeling defeated and ready to throw in the towel and let PCOS win again. 

Yesterday, I took the day off work to go to a doctors appointment. Not just any doctors appointment, but the appointment I have been waiting for for so long! 

I was finally able to pick up a CPAP machine and learn how to use it. It was exciting, and a little overwhelming. I was told to take my time. And to let myself get used to the mask and the machine. It was normal for it to be an adjustment. 

I have been waiting for sleep for SO long. So LONG.

 

I decided that I was going to spend the day rewarding and pampering myself. I did a little shopping, and planning in my head, went tanning, and got my nails done! I even stepped out of my comfort zone and cut my hair!! 

Cutting my hair is terrifying. But, thankfully, I have some pretty talented friends! 

A little self love and I was feeling 400 times better about myself. And this journey. 

I even heard "you look great" three times yesterday. 

Worth it. 

I really wanted to see what I could do, so last night, I went to sleep like this...

I'm sure it will help me find a man... 

But, whatever. 

I was able to wear it for the first 3.5 hours of my sleep. And this is what that sleep looked like according to my Fitbit 

That's not great. But, I haven't had gaps in my restlessness like that since August! 

My body is used to me stopping breathing for at least 10 seconds, 14 times an hour. So, improvement is improvement.

I did put the mask on again for another hour and a half later in the night. It is weird. It is hard to adjust to. 

But, I have to believe it's worth it. 

Hopefully tonight is a better attempt. 

I really want to make it a whole night with the mask. 

Tomorrow is my official weigh in day, but according to the scale this morning, I am ONE pound away from my first adventure goal. I can't wait to reward myself with this adventure this spring! 

I also am 10 pounds away from my last big weight loss feat. When I moved to Arizona, I was feeling super healthy! I'm almost back to that weight again. 

I'm not giving up. 

And thank God, I didn't when I felt those set backs this week! 

Damn you, PCOS

I used to think something was seriously wrong with me. Which would turn into more self-hate.
But, I have gone through these periods where everything is fine, I am happy, and content, and then BOOM, nothing feels like it can go right. I don't want to say I slip into a depression, because it isn't always that serious. I used to fight this, and think that there was something wrong - why couldn't I just pull myself out. I mean, everyone has struggles, but they cope and deal with it. Why can't I?

Then, as I started accepting my diagnosis of PCOS, I started learning that maybe there wasn't something all that wrong with me (besides the norm) and that it was the PCOS to blame. I couldn't control it. It was the imbalance in my body that was overtaking everything else I was working towards.
It doesn't make it easier... but it doesn't make me hate myself quite as much anymore...

I'm in the depression right now.

I finally lost some weight. It doesn't make a difference.. I still look the same, I still wear the same clothes, I can't take a cute selfie to make myself feel better about my face, I still look the same. But, I've lost some pounds, and that's better than where I was 3.5 weeks ago.

But, I've lost weight before. I've been able to lose pounds. And I get to about this point, and they start coming right back to me. They don't want to be lost anymore, I guess. It's the cycle I've known all my life.
I keep trying to change that. I've tried positive thinking, I've tried envisioning myself reaching certain weights and sizes. I've tried. EVERY DAY.
But, today, I stepped on the scale, and I gained.
I did everything I'm supposed to be doing.
I stay within my points.
I exercise.
I obsess over 10,000 steps a day and winning challenges.
And, I still am gaining.
Still.
So, is this where the cycle begins again?
Is this where my body says "haha, just kidding. you can't really lose weight after all"?


That's what it feels like...
I'm defeated.
I'm nervous..

And everyone around me continues to have success.... everyone around me is getting those compliments, is continuing to work hard, BUT actually seeing results.
And here I am, starting the cycle again, where I'm gaining.

So, Damn you, PCOS.
Go away.
You aren't welcome.
You're ruining my life.

Trusting the process

Week totals

Total pounds lost since starting diet bet: 13.2

Total steps this week: 80,588

I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a number I haven't seen in quite some time. I was immediately overjoyed. I've finally overcome the hump I haven't been able to get over in so many tries. 

I have lost 20 pounds since I started wearing my Fitbit regularly again in August. 

It took me a long time, but I finally reached that goal and earned that accomplishment. 

I credit positive thinking and me really changing my thoughts to this. I have tried for so long and so hard but I grew to keep accepting negative results. It was hard to overcome that, but I had to. 

I have found myself obsessed with getting 10,000 steps each day. On Saturday, I went to the mall alone so that I could walk until reaching the 10,000 make. The weekends are so hard for me. I want to relax and be lazy, and I want to be active. I think if the weather didn't suck so bad, it might not be as hard. But, it is what it is. I have to learn to adjust. 

Back to this morning... 

I was SO excited to see that number on the scale. And I was so excited to wear jeans this weekend that I haven't worn since last winter. 

I thought, this was a great time to document some progress. 

So, I asked my little sister to take a picture of me... I wasn't wearing a bra, and the tank top I was wearing was falling down, and I looked ridiculous. 

But, what startled me the most... 

I looked the same.

How could someone who has lost 13 pounds look exactly the same.

No wonder I never get compliments. I still look like that. 

I had reached such a high, and in a millisecond, I fell from it. Shattered. 

How long is this going to take? How long do I have to wait until I look at that progress picture and actually see something? 

I felt so defeated.

For a while... 

I spent a few hours just reminding myself to trust the process. Trust the process. Trust the process. 

I picked myself up a bit. 

I've met my 10,000 step goal today ... On a day I didn't expect to, and on a day where last week, I didn't even get to 6,000. 

But, what's really resonating with 

me is this quote I found browsing Pinterest... 

Gosh, that really spoke to me. Time. Patience. Faith. Hope. Belief. I need more of all of these things. 

I can't rush. Even though I want to. I have to trust this journey. I have to trust that someday, I'll get there. Someday. 

For now, I'm changing habits, enjoying life, and finding a way to make this work. 

I hope that the next time I wrote, I will be able to say that I'm miraculously sleeping again. 

Cross your fingers.

I also look forward to the day when I can post a transformation picture and actually fee like I've made a difference in my own life. 

Vulnerability and Judgement...

I was blessed with a snow day today, and there's literally nothing better! Snow days as an adult are so much better than snow days as a kid, I swear! 
Unfortunately, I didn't get very much more sleep, but it was nice staying in bed until 8:00 AM! 
I woke up this morning and instantly felt like today was going to be a failure because it was going to be so much harder to get 10,000 steps. I already planned on not having an extra workout today due to basketball, but I was planning on working hard to make sure I met my step goal at least. A snow day was called appropriately - the roads sucked! But, I did force myself to get up and out and walk around the grocery store. That helped the step total, and I'm hoping I might still be able to make it to the goal. I may or may not have walked circles around my house trying to get steps earlier. Oops. 

I'm doing good nutrition wise and I was super excited to make breakfast this morning and I ate lunch watching my favorite guilty pleasure - Bones. 

The reason I decided to write today is because I have realized today how uncomfortable it truly is to do something you don't want to do, or you aren't used to doing. Writing this blog, and sharing it with the world is completely stepping out of my comfort zone. I am highly 100% independent. I know that my level of independence is pretty rare. I moved across the country by myself and  only took what would fit in my tiny car. I know how weird that is to a lot of people. I don't understand it - because I literally didn't even second guess myself once, but I know it. I don't need someone else to like myself, I don't need someone else to do anything. If I want to go out to eat, I go. If I want to watch a movie, I do. If I want to go on vacation, I will. I can do it all alone. I can and I actually enjoy it. That being said, I also am a pretty secretive person. I don't feel the need to air my life out for the world to see. I don't post a daily facebook status updating people about what's going on, and I don't even tell my mom what I'm doing every day. I don't tell the world every time I work out, and I don't post when I'm eating healthy. I keep a lot to myself, and I don't need anyone's approval, or acknowledgement. I don't need attention from anyone, and I just keep a lot of my life to myself. 

Being independent is absolutely one of my positive traits... but my secretive independence can also be considered a downfall. 
Writing this blog, and sharing it with people who don't know me. Not a big deal.
Writing this blog and sharing with people who see my every day.... that's where I become vulnerable. I don't like sharing these things about my life. I feel weaker because of some of these things. But, I've seen some positive reactions from the people in my life who learned something new about me. Maybe I needed the vulnerability and the reach out of my comfort zone so that I can hold myself accountable in new ways. I want to succeed 100% for myself, but maybe now that I know that so many of the people in my life know about my struggles, I have to work just as hard to show them that I'm in this for good. 
Either way, it's still weird. It's still a little uncomfortable to know that my co-workers, former classroom parents, friends, and family members are stepping into this part of my world that I have always tried so hard to keep hidden. 

That led me to another thought...
Why is it that it makes me so vulnerable?
I fear judgement ...
I know we all do. But, I think I fear judgement a lot more than I would have ever cared to admit before.
I heard one of my students say yesterday, "Ms. Niehaus came to my basketball game. I didn't recognize her. She looked weird. She didn't have any makeup on." I didn't really think much about it at the time. But, I realized how dependent I am on that "fake face" as part of my professional identity. I wish young girls would slow time down and not become so dependent on that part of their identity until they are older. But, why am I so dependent on that when being seen in public? 
Because of vulnerability. Because of that fear of judgement. 
So, why is it that women are so judgemental to each other? Why do we care so much about another woman's life when we probably don't know much about her. 
It irritates me to think about the people who have judged me not knowing anything about my struggles, but at the same time, if I opened up and told them about my struggles, would they be less judgemental? I don't know. 
I found myself leaving the gym yesterday concerned about judgement from others. I did 35 minutes on the elliptical. I did a random workout that included many different speeds, climbs, and resistance levels. I burned over 450 calories in that time. I didn't work extremely hard, but it wasn't entirely easy. It raised my heart rate, gained some steps, and got me moving. I sweat, but I didn't sweat profusely. I instantly feared that judgement that I didn't workout hard enough because I didn't look like I had killed myself on the machine. My face wasn't beat red and soaked in sweat. 

Why in God's name am I concerned about what someone else is going to think about my workout? My workout, whether it is easy or hard, isn't going to hurt or benefit anyone on this planet, except myself. If someone wants to look at me and think that I didn't work hard enough because I don't look like they did at the end of their workout, then my God, judge away. Because, I shouldn't have time for that. I shouldn't be concerned about that. Every single one of us is so different, our bodies are different, and capable of so much, but so much different. Our daily activity is different. I workout after working 8-10 hours in my classroom with 30 children. That's exhausting. But, I'm working out. 

So, be a little more kind. To yourself. Don't judge yourself, and whatever you do, don't fear the judgement. You're doing the best you can. 

Love yourself. 

Wait, the scale number is going down?

Week 2:
Total Pounds Lost: 6.7
Total Steps this week: 87,859
Average Sleep: 2 hours, 13 minutes

So this past week was my first week back to school. I was hoping to find myself in a routine and that it would help. Did I find a routine? Did it help?
Well..   sort of.
Yes, a routine in the sense that  I have to be at work at a certain time and I have to work certain hours, and I have a schedule and that forces me to be out of bed and moving. But, during basketball season, I don't think routine is possible. It was hard to get back into my work schedule and still find time for working out. I didn't want to, but I did find myself working out every day this week.
The best part of that last sentence is that I forced myself to leave work before 4:30 every single day this past week. Every day. I don't think that has ever happened in my teaching career so far. One of my goals for this year was to spend less time working passed my required time. So far, I think I'm doing a good job of that. I still did arrive at work way early, but I would rather be there early and leave early so that I can get some workout time in. The weather was very helpful this week, as I was able to walk outside 4 of the days and I was able to get into the school weight room one day.
Today is a different story. It is snowy, it is windy, and it is cold. I think this week will be much more wintry, and that makes me nervous because I HATE Working out inside. I absolutely HATE it. I would so much rather be outside walking/running.

Summary of the week:

1. I am exhausted, STILL. I can't wait to finally have a sleep machine and start sleeping like a normal person
2. I can't believe I've lost weight. Changing your mindset does wonders!
3. I think my body is going to turn into a sub. I ate Subway A LOT this week!
4. Why did I pay almost $8 for a bag of grapes today?
5. I am wearing a sweatshirt today that I refused  to wear in public a month ago. It seriously already fits better!
6. I hope this week doesn't result in a gain.
7. Check out what I made for brunch today!!


Seriously. That whole plate of deliciousness is only 8 points!!

Kodiak Cakes Protein Pancakes (1/2 cup)
1/2 cup Dannon Light and Fit Vanilla flavored Yogurt
2 tbsp PB2
1 banana

I stole this from a fellow WW member that I follow on Instagram - @Ilostbigandsocanyou

So Yummy!!

Here's my latest concerns- I HATE Working out inside. Absolutely hate it. But, with winter finally making an appearance in lower Michigan, do I pay for a Planet Fitness $10 membership and force myself to get to the gym, so that I know I'm working out?
How do people workout in the winter when it's actually snowy and Icy?
What do you do?

Finding a Routine

Well, I survived the weekend. Making it through the Holidays feels like a big feat. I have had a lot of friends tell me that they were waiting until January 1, or even, tomorrow after the weekend and then they were going to go hard for real.
There's nothing wrong with that.. at all.
I have been at this for quite a while though, and when I really decided that I wasn't going to let PCOS be an excuse for me anymore, I decided I had to start right then and there. And starting over a holiday really made me learn a lot.
What did I learn? 
1.  I learned that the word "diet" is absolutely the worst word on the planet and should probably be banned from existence. 
A diet is so absurd. And I kind of feel insulted when I hear people say they are going to go on a diet, or they need a diet. I have even heard conversations recently about quick fixes, boosters, pills, and all this ridiculousness about using a diet to lose weight.
I want to make something absolutely clear - I am not on a diet. Absolutely not. I am changing my lifestyle, and becoming healthy. That might sound cliche but it is 100% my intention. I want to enjoy chocolate, eat fast food if it's necessary, eat pizza and drink beer while watching football and baseball, eat food and love it. I want to also love the person I see in the mirror, feel confident about the clothes I am wearing, enjoy shopping again, and be able to finish a half-marathon, just to say I did it and feel awesome about myself. PCOS ruins most of those things for me. It makes me feel terrible inside and outside. It makes me question everything about myself, often. It's a terrible demon to fight. But, the purpose of this lifestyle change is ALL OF THAT, to embrace who I am, find a way to love every flaw, feel healthy, enjoy my life, and not let PCOS control any part of me anymore, including my weight.
With that said, I am changing my diet. I am learning to eat healthier foods, and in smaller portion sizes. I am learning to control my emotional eating, and learning to keep loving food and it's purposes, but also using it to my advantage, not disadvantage. I chose Weight Watchers to follow because the program allows you to eat anything. There is no bad food, it's just all food. It all has a different value, and you have to learn to balance your food in take. THAT is what I want, balance. 

2. It is the 3rd day of January. The third day of 2016, and I have walked/jogged (exercised) outside THREE times. I have slowly started adding some runs/jogs into my walks and for the first time in a long time, I don't hurt, so I am excited to begin a C25K program again soon. I set a goal to walk/run 1,000 miles this year, but I want to up that goal to 2,000 miles! So far, I am over 12 miles! I can't wait to see how many miles I can actually get myself moving. I also struggle with the cold weather. I HATE wearing a coat, and I hate wearing shoes, let alone boots. Winter time doesn't agree with me. I have decided though to try to embrace this the best I can. By golly, it is flipping freezing out there, Monday, the real feel was 9 degrees and it was snowing when I went for my 3.31 walk. So, today the real feel of 22 degrees felt like summer. Even though, I'm still struggling to warm up! My work schedule makes it pretty impossible to get outside during the day light though, so I'm hoping that I can continue using the weekends to get outside and walk/run.

So... routine. What is that?
Tomorrow morning, I go back to school. I am excited to get myself into a routine, and think it will be easier to keep myself up and on track with one. Being at work keeps me busy. This past week, it was way too easy to be lazy. My sisters both play basketball too, so game nights will be both easy and hard. I want to force myself to leave work early on game days to work out in the high school weight room before games. ( I also struggle with working too much... it's a Teacher thing). I am a little nervous about how I will eat dinner on those nights though. It's so easy to eat concession stand food. I'm going to have to plan strategically to avoid that! The occasional popcorn might be okay though! :)

One last celebration!
THE SCALE FINALLY WENT DOWN!
1 pound lighter today than I was on my first weigh in date! I'll take what I can get.
Sundays will be my official weigh in days, so we'll check back in a week!

I am hoping and praying that I will be able to pick up my sleep machine this week! Sleep will make me feel like a whole new person, and I can't wait to feel all the energy it will give me!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE feel free to connect with me, I would love to help, and support each other. We are in this together! You've got this! Facebook , Twitter, EMAIL 

You've got this! We've got this!